"SUCH AN AMAZING BALL BY... Oh wait, that was Bradley? Psh, lucky."

Holy fuckballs that Green goal was pretty.

He totally means it this time, guys. It's not like his last apology said he'd never bite anyone again, so he didn't really go back on his word. And I'm not even sure if he apologized for biting Bakkal. So you see guys, he's getting better.

It's funny because he's still not admitting that he actually bit Chiellini. He's apologizing for the "physical result of a bite" like Chiellini just ran into his teeth. This guy's a scumbag.

Chiellini looks like a world-class stand-up dude in all of this.

The biggest shocker is that Montevideo still exists. I thought it closed in 2006, what with DVD sales and Netflix.

This explanation does seem kind of dubious, but I guess we have no choice but to accept it. I mean, it did come straight from the horse's mouth.

Active-voice does in fact exist in the Spanish language. Suarez is just giving the same bullshit non-apology-apology every celebrity gives when they did something wrong and don't want to take full responsibility for it.

+1 juxtaposition for the win, Peter

What team were they all drafted by?

The last thing the US needs is to be "handed" a spot in the knockout rounds. We've come this far and already shown far more potential than anyone gave us credit for - any sort of shenanigans would make us look like serious chumps. We're better losing while trying to win than tying because a powerhouse let us. It's…

Doesn't every team need a batboy?

Should have brought back Right to Censor for this segment

So...like overnight then?

Until the Muslim in Chief is succesfully IMPEACHED and THROWN IN JAIL for his HIGH CRIMES and MISDERMEANERS against FREEDOM LOVING AMERUCICANS EVERYWHERE!

"And I saw the Four Horsemen of the Comment Apocalypse, and they said in unison unto me: 'Beware the false idol Kinja and her wily ways.' And I, for my part, took up my mobile device and screeched, 'EVEN NATIVE AMERICANS DON'T THINK THE NAME IS OFFENSIVE!' and lo, the Angel Snyder smiled down on me, well pleased."

So, wait. How long should I freeze the numbers?

With Beef O'Brady's gone, it's addition by subtraction.

ESPN has just struck a lucrative sponsorship deal with a guy whose first internet venture was based on taking creepy pictures of young girls and then posting them on the internet, all in service of a product that as far as we can tell is mainly useful for international con artists, arms dealers, and human…