He was originally going to post his draft day reactions, butt fuck it.

"The girl is black. I like her. I'm jealous that she's with other black guys. I want her. So what the hell? Can't I in private tell her, 'I don't want you to be with anybody?'"

That's a nice sentiment. As a pessimist, I just hope I'm never so horny that I turn into a creepy racist asshole.

"I don't get it, I'm trying to get with this Stiviano girl. So of course I'm gonna say something racist. The Italian broads love that."

Can't I in private tell her, 'I don't want you to be with anybody?'"

"I was only saying bad things about black people in that clip to get laid.

Eh, Ive heard worse excuses for worse behavior.

Oh, well. Nevermind then.

Some chicks like getting it from behind the times.

In unrelated news, here are some hagfish inserting themselves into a bait bucket.

"I would have said I could fly over a high rise building if I had to!"

If my grandpa ever makes this argument I'm going to bury myself.

For once, he's saying something that is true: I definitely would say anything to get laid. However, just a quick tip to Mr. DTS - usually black people hate it when you tell them you hate black people. Hope this helps!

Goldsberry also did one for Len Bias:

Leaked Internal Scouting Report: Wow These Nerds Love Merit Badges

There once was a young man named Joe Kerridge. He was a player for the Michigan Wolverines. He was quite good at his job, but he lacked the appropriate skills in the bedroom when the game was over. Time and time again, he tried to improve his technique with the ladies. He would ask a girl out, but to no avail. He…

You have to take into account this is the only NFL draft this year. There are still 645 NBA playoff games left.

I think this is great for the Browns. The fanbase, and the whole city really, should be fired up.