I don't get into blood quantum, either, because that's a colonial mindset

Hey man, this guy has been a fan of soccer since, like, 2006 and watches real shit like the EPL so he totally knows more about how to run the United States' league system than the people who built modern American soccer from the ground up.

Let's play a game: if the league in question has been in existence for much longer than you've been even following the fucking sport, you don't get to snobbishly deride the way it's run compared to its foreign counterparts and lecture on about how it's so beneath your refined, cultivated sensibility about the sport.…

This. I think it's totally fine if you want to follow a UEFA team, but pretentious Americans like Haisley - who even admits he's been into this sport for less than a decade! - turning their nose down at MLS like it's so beneath them is snobby myopic bullshit. The product isn't the best, but it's rapidly improving and…

Personally, I'm all for Ray Rice playing this season. In fact, I think he should have his suspension lifted and that he be used as a feature back and an integral component of their offense.

This was an excellent takedown and as always, well-written and hysterical. That someone would even have this as a "revenge fantasy" is disturbing enough in the first place. Yes, it can be annoying when a child throws a tantrum in public while you're trying to go about your business. Yes, it's frustrating when the…

Despite people's personal prejudices, there are no laws oppressing Michael Sam. He is free to live and work where he pleases.

On their next Rams segment, ESPN will be astonished when they find that nobody freaked out when Sam had an open cut on his arm, that he's not a threat around children, and the only people he's "recruited" are some local church groups to attend a community fundraising event.

Fitting that he's a Sun Devil, given that he's clearly proud about the very thing that will send his soul to hell.

Actually, it's more like dipshit hipsters who wear faux-vintage Stockton jerseys, yet can't even name the current head coach or any player on the roster not named Hayward, while sipping 3.2 beer in some overpriced bar in downtown SLC.

Every single character played by Melissa McCarthy is a poor attempt at creating the real-world version of Pam Poovey from Archer. Except, you know, without the quality writing, originality, comedic timing, or even a fraction of Amber Nash's talent.

Bang! Bang! Goodell's ginger hammer went down upon his head!

This suspension is shocking given Ray Rice's history. Shouldn't a more appropriate length be 3.1 games?

As a Utah resident but not a Jazz fan, I think this was more about the franchise saving face. When Hayward got signed by Charlotte, local talk radio was freaking out over how the Jazz fucked up again on another fan favorite. The franchise has had a rough go the past few years: burning bridges with Sloan to where he…

Hell, in each season almost every NFL team has at least one rookie drafted in the 3rd or 4th round playing meaningful minutes, if not starting altogether, due to roster restrictions, outstanding performance, and/or injuries. Guys in those rounds are the building blocks for future championships, and it absolutely makes…

This is excellent, and as someone who coaches high school and collegiate speech and debate, I see this all the time. Parents are convinced that if their kid doesn't win some local/regional tournament or fails to qualify for nationals, they're never going to get into an Ivy League school or top 10 law program. This…

And with that, Albert Burneko just became ESPN's newest source.

How dare you use humor for a site that (used to) be a place for such things! I hope all these sanctimonious burners taught you a valuable internet lesson while they patted themselves on the back for how moral they are, good sir! And harumph!

He's never done shit, except rebuild the German side to a third place WC finish after a winless Euro 2004 and take an outmanned USMNT that was picked to go winless to the Round of 16.

Actually, historically those A's players used PED's early in their careers which explained their youthful dominance and late career fades (Canseco, McGwire, Tejada, and Giambi all come to mind). But sure, Donaldson must be on 'roids even though his body hasn't exploded and there's plenty of data indicating he changed…