Though unlike Ashley, I apologized after the poor performance.

No, that's actually Traci Lords

Thug.

Stars: They're Just Like Us, Except Exponentially Better-Looking

You know you live in a bankrupt society when one of the greatest acts of bravery is to sit in front of a camera and let it record the image reflected in its lens.

Well that marble cupboard was evidently way more secure than the attic.

[reaches for drink]

First you start admiring the helmets, but soon it will be the bodysuits. Then the sculpted physiques. Next thing you know you'll have blatant fantasies of oiling down an athlete and taking your own ride on their lusty curves. Then the inevitable—you'll find yourself with your dick hanging out of your pants as…

I understand why these athletes go for intimidating graphics but "purple-headed monster" is a bit much.

DMX's Celebrity Boxing Strategy

Yeah, the scary part is that the cops were suddenly shooting at anybody, not just black men.

"Fuckin' noobs. If you really wanna burn Shaun White, all you gotta do is rise."

This from someone who doesn't know the difference between "lose" and "loose"?

"How was that?"

"I just came in my panties."

"WHAT?"

"I said 'I JUST CAME IN MY PANTIES!'"

"YOU WANT TO GO TO OLIVE GARDEN FOR SOME SHRIMP SCAMPI?"

"WHAT?"

You've been chosen to represent your country at the Winter Olympics in Sochi. But first, you have to take a hellacious dump. Choice: Do you flush the toilet paper? (go to page 2) Or: Do you place the toilet paper in the bin? (go to page 3)

someone had left an indeterminate amount of semen on the sheets of the second bed, and those sheets had been taken away for cleaning, and hadn't come back.

It does not bode well that the 'missing' dog has two different names and they're both food.

Note: Water is not available until the room above you is occupied.

...not all man holes are always covered