I draw faces on my hand and practice making out with it. Working my way up to the French style.

Is there anyone who is actually surprised by this? I mean, seriously.

I also hate summer, and spring, and winter, in addition to fall.

no one wants to watch a handjob. i don’t even really want to receive one.

I have no tears to shed for lying cheats.

So, you have Down’s Syndrome or Williams Syndrome or what?

or horseshit. Which would be considerably less fun.

But how will I fell superior to people if I can’t shop at Whole Foods? :(

“...when one of the actors ejaculates...”

Country music today is nothing but pop songs sung with a southern accent and maybe a token country-specific instrument thrown in if the producer is feeling generous that day.

This is too complicated for me. Simply said, I have a crush on a guy at work. He’s cute, hard working, single, and i’d like to bone him one day. Is that wrong?!?!

Am I a bad person for taking almost as much joy in the pee-pants tantrums the Conservatives are throwing over the ruling as in the ruling itself?

And, I must add, do not EVER and I mean EVER get in a whirlpool/hot tub that is not personally yours and which you have cleaned out yourself. Foam in a hot tub is gross dead skin cells, lotions, excretions, effluvia, etc. I once worked at a YMCA where a woman used the hot tub in the women’s locker room and left a note…

You swimmin with crocs? Cuz you in da Nile.

I’m here in Louisiana and I must say, I’ve seen a bit more than usual. My bf says it’ll help us spot the ones that want us dead. I imagine the Northern half of Mississippi is awash in them today, but I’m not crossing the river to see.

“Check the port wing for varmints” has now been added to the preflight checklist.

At least it wasn’t

Tell me I’m not the only one who saw ads for this (this was a TV spot, not the full trailer) and assumed this was an early 90’s period film.