"Thank you for calling the NFL's crisis management hotline. Please carefully listen to the following menu: if you've witnessed the tampering or doctoring of an official NFL football, press 1. If you are an ex-NFL player and are currently experiencing debilitating health issues associated with head trauma, please enter…

But what about it?

How does somebody get this fucked up? I guess it probably stems from some childhood trauma, such as when an uncle helped him off a horse.

I dont normally find myself at parties in new cities, but when i do, I tend to get a little amp'd.

Belichick: I like a little puppet. You can kinda put your fingers in, it's a little monkey and then he can talk.

That's why you post a video in your Facebook feed, Russ, then nobody from the NFL will ever see it.

Sorry, not trying to step on the (admittedly funny) joke but the first question was, "When and how did you alter the footballs?" That's a great "Have you stopped beating your wife?" type of question.

The artist should be commended for the lifelikeness of the crowds at Petco.

An Oral Commitment to Bring 'Em Young, Vol. 8

Have you never been hit on by someone you aren't attracted to? It's awkward and nerve-wracking, and it puts you in a bad position. There is no right answer, just a series of increasingly wrong ones.

Wearing a watch is more of a distinguished/mature act these days, I believe, than strictly functional. We all have cell phones that tell time. It projects a better (to me, at least), less obnoxious image to check your watch in front of company than to pull out your phone to see the time.

Wilfork was disappointed to discover that there was no apple filling inside of the turnover

Great, another politician who would rather sleep and chase tail.

Have you actually seen Selma? Specifically the part when MLK gets beaten up by Rocky.

Like, why the fuck would she leave her couch there?

Thank goodness she got his phone as evidence. Most victims have McNary a clue who their attacker is.

I cannot even conceive of the greed necessary to attempt to steal everything your child has. And this goes a step further by stealing everything he has and a lot of stuff he doesn't have yet. Un-fucking-believable.

Impressed with their ability to enrich themselves on the backs of others and to exploit a professional hockey player relentlessly, Gary Bettman has offered the Johnsons an expansion franchise.

The most important rule in any meeting:

STAY AWAKE.

This sounds like a suggestion for an upcoming Adequate Man piece. We'll rally the experts and set them to work.