I have a giant smile on my CDL photo and I just had it taken last year (2014). It even looks like me IRL.

California requires that you remove your glasses for your DL photo. I can’t see a foot in front of my face without them, but I had to take them off for my photo.

Not for anything (although I am the Empress of Snark, duh) Rita Wilson is in need of eye-distracting slimming panels. Vanessa Hudgens not so much.

I was at the market yesterday, in the express lane because I had precisely 7 items. In front of me was a woman with a full cart, merrily unloading her stuff onto the conveyor belt. I leaned over and said, rather loudly, ‘I thought this was the Express Lane.’ To her credit, she looked up at the sign, said ‘Oops’ and…

My dad always maintained the name of the place should be Park N Eat, because that’s what you did. You park and then you eat. You don’t eat and then park. Ridiculous.

I played bridge during my college graduation—with 3 other people, of course. I come from a long line of people who Give No Fucks.

No. It does not. What fresh hell is avocado ice cream?

So much this. As one who was born into the tribe and is considered a heretic by my Orthodox family, you are 100% correct.

Only if it was a thermos.

This is her ‘I love to laugh’ face. She practiced it in the mirror until the mirror broke, a la the Wicked Stepmother in Snow White.

Cankles. Don’t forget about the cankles.

The remake is good. It’s a direct translation of the Broadway show, which Mel Brooks wrote the book and did the songs for. But absent the great Kenneth Mars as Franz Leibkin and Dick Shawn (Lorenzo San Dubois—LSD, baby) and Christopher Hewitt as Roger DeBris, it’s just not the same kind of hilarious. The remake…

You have to watch the original ‘Producers’, the one from 1968. It’s, hands down, one of the funniest movies ever made. The remake is funny, in its own way, but the original is in a class of its own.

Ah, when he was at Spy Magazine, Graydon Carter referred to Trump as a ‘short-fingered vulgarian’. I’m going with that one.

In fact, some of his ‘best’ friends are Jewish, I’ll bet.

Yeah. Too many people think that because Polanski is an award-winning director that he’s somehow absolved from being a convicted child rapist. Because he’s, you know, an artiste.

Did we have the same mother? Because that happened to me, too.

Flavored coffee is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord.

Ferret, for that thing that lives on top of his head.

Then start a movement to amend the Constitution to repeal birthright citizenship.