He looks so sad. We should take turns making him feel better.

Oh for fuck's sake. This is how idiotic the mainpage Jezebel commenters (excluding Kitchenette regulars, obviously) have gotten now. Christ, these fucking people.

You could say these servers are waging a sieg(e) against Heil.

I was going to go with each partner standing on a separate rolling office chair on a linoleum floor.

wait... did you just say that the fattest nation in the world is working out too much? Only Jezebel.

"So I grabbed all the doilies she'd made and stitched them together! Isn't it great?"

1. Boring

When my Mom was diagnosed with "beyond stages" colon cancer in 2009, I saved pretty much any voicemail that wasn't just "It's Mom, call me back when you get a chance." I ended up recording them and saving them to MP3's that are backed up in several places.

Really similar kind of thing for me and my wife. I had a bi-lateral lung transplant (almost 5 years ago!) and when I was getting listed we got a burner phone to give that number only to my transplant nurse coordinator so that we wouldn't jump every time our individual phones rang. (I ended up only being on the list…

I was expecting something between an armpit fart or some sort of "clapping" to a tune.

But can she do that to the Wlliam Tell Overature?

I really thought she was going to be playing the piano with her boobs. Slight let down, but still impressive.

2016: <— Can you believe I'm still doing this shit?

Because it actually goes like this:

Just don't sneeze in the shower.

Sometimes I pee in dorm showers, which I feel morally conflicted about. On one hand, other people have to use that shower. On the other hand, sometimes I really have to go and I always pee before I wash my hair / body, so those suds are going to wash the pee away anyways, maybe? Plus, let's be honest, gross shit goes…

Captain Planet approves this message.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother's diagnosis. Totally understandable for you to not be able to listen to other patients in that situation. I hope you and your mother are surrounded by loving and supportive people during this time.

Lassie (the) Dog says you are barking mad.