We’re in the final stages of my fantasy of Ovechkin being a super spy sent to play in the NHL with the ultimate goal of winning the Cup to earn a trip to the White House and assassinate the president. I don’t condone assassination, but you’d have to respect the long game.

Serves those bandwagon Las Vegas fans right. 5 years ago I bet most of them didn’t even know Vegas had a team.

See, but it looks like your name is spelled with a “y”. And we all know that people named “Bryan” are awesome...

Hey!

It’s junior high, and I’m the fat kid who gets picked on a lot. As luck would have it, one particular bully and I were among the last kids on the school bus going home. I’m trying to be invisible, but he’s shooting rubber bands at the handful of kids still left on the bus. He aims at me, and I said “You better not hit…

Holy sheeeeeit! People from OK actually think they can make fun of people from other places! Hilarious!

But did he lose the weight?

I’m scrolling this article on my phone, but the fancy ads are blocking several lines of text below them, so I’m missing the setup to several of the fight stories. After about five minutes of reading, I see my battery has drained 15%.

“Verbal assault?” Give me a fucking break.

It’s perfect that his name was Brian. I’ve never met a Brian who wasn’t anything but a massive tool...

I was in the Boy Scouts when I was around 10 or 11. After doing all the boring Boy Scout shit—-roll call, inspecting uniforms, taking dimly lit wrestling photos with the scout leaders, etc—-we’d play floor hockey in the gym for about an hour (meetings were held in my local elementary school). One night, after the…

the school bully... he’s a cop now.

Crashing after a party around 2 AM and VERY drunk when one of the dudes started challenging me to fight over someone I was crushing on. All I wanted to do was pass out but he kept pestering me, so I agreed to fight him outside just so we could go to sleep. He staggered outside ahead of me, I locked the door behind and…

“When I was in 8th grade the school bully tried to rack me on the basketball pole (a favorite move of his) and I kicked him in the nuts so he unleashed a barrage of face punches on me, in front of half the kids’ moms in the parking lot. We were both suspended and he’s a cop now.”

thumbs-up’d to an empty arena

Scene: The first month of my freshman year of high school, while the new pecking order was being established. Boys locker room after gym class.

After an evening of partying on the Fourth of July, we all went back to my friend’s house where we were camping in his backyard. He went into the house and brought out a plate of cookies and bagels and was standing on his porch giving them out when I screamed “Don’t eat those they’re poison!” and slapped the tray to…

Got into a fight at an outdoor music festival one time, over a box of crawfish that was accidentally knocked onto the ground. Two things stick with me to this day:

I said “I do”

At camp one year all the boys in our cabin took the mattresses off the bunks and lined the floor and made a giant wrestling mat. I don’t recall how it started but things got heated between a couple of the boys and it was going to become an actual fight.
The tension was broken when I was standing ideally by, not paying…