God damn it fellow white women, can we have like, A SINGLE DROP of chill? Please.

Bic Atlantis all the way.

I had a stranger ask the age of the baby I was holding (two months) and then tell me I looked fabulous. It was my friend’s two month old. She was standing right beside me, looking like she just had a baby (because she did!). We laughed our asses off because not having the baby was a surefire way to look pretty…

Afterlife with Archie (the zombie Archie comic series) is actually the best written and executed of any of the Archie reboots happening right now. Recommended!

Is this not literally the tagline for Survivor?

Holy shit I did a legit spit-take.

Finally, we learn more about the first lady.

Nooo, I have a Snuggle bear teddy and he is still my BFF.

What the hell is a sweatshirt?

At least we don’t have to remortgage our home if our child gets cancer, you goddamn heathens.

Sorry, it’s just that we are much better than you. To be quite fair, it’s a very low bar of late.

NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE

Well, she did smash Paris’ class project (“accidentally”) and her mom was fucking her English teacher for like, a really long time. So there’s that.

Not rape her that last time they “had sex” would be my recommendation.

Yeah, frankly reading those letters to Heger they sounded a lot like the Nice Guy texts women posts on the internet from OkCupid and such. “I will love you forever! HOW DARE YOU NOT WRITE ME!! I am dying of sadness, how can you do this to me?! I won’t let you ignore me.”

Madame Heger is lucky she didn’t die in a fire…

To be fair, it’s likely his previous lover(s) didn’t feel it. Having had ill-advised sex with a 3-incher I know my personal reaction was “wait is it - is it in?”

DiggReader was a sweet replacement though.

Nightclub Juliet, as in Romeo and Juliet!

That song got dark real quick after the family line. It’s all: buy me some flowers, I don’t cook, lalala washing floors, YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY AGAIN. O_o

Can I just say my favourite thing about The Slot is it covers Canadian politics too? Love you guys.