It’s tempting but we need somewhere to send our oil.

Some of it creeps up north a little, but generally we stare down there in perpetual horror. Every day I hear news from America I’m like “Is this real tho?” It’s like a circus performance that never ends.

Read Holly Madison’s book. It’s so much worse than you ever imagined.

Just because you don’t get it doesn’t mean it’s not a thing.

Well, Kitchenette is gone too!

I’m sorry but did that boob-car get roofied at this French party? Read the comments.

Yeah, I’ve been technically married the entire time I’ve dated my boyfriend of 1.5 years. My “husband” lives across the country and has a baby with someone else. Pretty sure it’s over!

Thank you for this palette cleanser!

I had to buy it once and Mr. Fascinating was horrified - horrified! - that he could not be there with me. I was like, what? I’m taking a pill in the parking lot with a Diet Coke, not getting surgery. Calm down. Men are weird about it.

You will get bored. You will especially get bored if it takes you seven hours because you had strep the previous week and your muscles keep seizing up into rocks in your leg.

Oh come on, no one in Canada acknowledges the Maple Leafs exist. We’d be more likely to stick up for the Jets.

I don’t know that “sometimes I shit in the woods” counts as a body complaint. I mean, I do. But I wouldn’t put it in the same category as having another foot under all the dead foot skin.

I thought briefly about becoming an Uber driver but I was like “nah, I’m good not being raped and murdered.” For the same reasons I don’t take Uber as a form of transport.

I did a spit-take at head up a big old box camera’s ass, so thank you for that.

Million dollar question though: If a lady wants you to wait three days to call her and will be like UGH NO if you call on day two, is this really Future Mrs. ConfusedBarack? God has given you a filtering system.

I think she’s mad because she essentially paid $75 extra for each “guest” that didn’t appear. I had two no-shows at my wedding and I was super pissed because it cost me $100 for their rudeness.

It’s not super outragey, it’s just a weird post about how because she was near 9/11 everything has more meaning now because death is around every corner or something. Your basic pap, really.

I hate thinkpieces about “words the kids are using these days” as a rule. They’re always written from the perspective of someone who still refers to his pants as “slacks” and wears a heavy-knit reindeer sweater year-round.

Right? Yeah guys, WE FUCKING HEAR YOU.

Whenever I see Courtney Stodden I get a brief moment of “wait, is that a human face?”