But you're far to articulate to be the real Delauter!

Mine too!

Yes. He is a Very Important Person™.

"I have an educational blog" has to be a close second to "I sell monogrammed thermoses," right?

He wants to cuddle with you while you're still moist from the shower, wearing nothing but a pair of panties. **shudder**

so where does his muse sleep? oh right, she just recharges in a corner chair.

I can't lie: I checked out as soon as I hit the word "cuddle" in the first bullet point. "Cuddle" is the "moist" of relationship words. *cringes*

Ah. Forgive me for not remembering that Adrian Peterson was Swedish.

+1 game

Hard stance.

"3 Games"

Whatever. Jon Jones is still the #1 kilo-for-kilo fighter in the world.

Leave it to Cleaver

The Real House Knives of Lithuania?

Chopped

Knife Swap

Then it's time for the finale. A watermelon is placed above the young dude's head and oh holy Christ he nearly gets a knife put through his fucking eye. The watermelon remains undisturbed.

So You Think You Can Lance

Even with this being the GoDaddy Bowl, Woodson should have known that threats like this aren't acceptable in any domain.