Christ, mine would have to be as large as the Vietnam Memorial. Kids would go down the line trying to find their mother’s name before scraping an imprint with a crayon onto a piece of paper.

You could describe every Zlatan bit of skill and goal with this exact sentence.

Andrew Luck is going to be the richest athlete ever. His salary won’t even include all that extra cash he makes by charging people to cross the bridge he lives under.

Eating a hippo makes you a hippocrite.

“Um, we sent the Vikings to Mars forty years ago.”
-NASA

Get a girl to move in and you never have to/get to make these decisions.

Yeah. You definitely had the idea of an Ant-sized man with the strength of a full grown man first. Provided you are Stan lee and this is the early 1960s.

OR, John’s biggest victory is that he is 44 and never has to make his own lunch.

I lost my copy of “The Unbearable Lightness of Being” there last night. Did anyone on the Cubs find my Czech book?

Well, that and because the teachers time everything so poorly. Great idea, spending two months on the Mayans back in September. Now we’ve got to cover everything from the Civil War to the invention of the microchip in forty-five minutes.

They should have eaten Jake Locker before he had a chance to ruin them.

It’s impossible, at this point, for A-Rod to have a heartwarming comeback story. Whatever he accomplishes from here on out with be greeted with either skepticism (people are already talking about him being back on the juice) or grudging respect.

I totally want to vote for him now. And think of the campaign slogan:

Indeed! I, for example, once drove from Oakland to Beijing, just to see what color Red Square is, and never once felt the need to stop and switch drivers!

Dear tips@deadspin.com. Please turn this into words on a page so that I can consume it. Sincerely, 85% of your readers.

Someone else this guy didn’t respect: the fan sitting directly behind him.

So long as they are grass fed boneless blobs, yes. I am sure they are happily oozing across the meadow...

I'm gonna open up a Faux joint.

um, what exactly do you think they make steel out of?

Call it "tonkotsu", squeeze a couple of tables into a closet and you got yourself a ramen spot where white people instagram their bowls.