Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy roasted mixed-nuts and thy excellent croissants they comfort me.

This directly contradicts the findings that Dr. Jimmy Soul published in 1963. Many remember the white paper he released via the prestigious Billboard 100, where he posited:

You are. The only person. The single one ever. The lone JLaw hater.

I like "turbands" because they keep your ears warm while PROVING that there is hair on top of your head. I wish they weren't called "turbands," though.

The report went on to state that while studies are inconclusive on whether or not the pill will blind you, there is still definitive clinical proof that masturbation will indeed do so as well as grow fur on your palms and lose the war for the allies, you filthy whores.

This is correlation, not causation. I think it's pretty clear the actual causation is the fact that women on birth control are obviously huge sluts whom God then strikes down with blindness.

RE Drake's date with Zoe Kravitz:

Needs more Tobias Fünke

I don't think Taylor Swift is a feminist—her understanding of its ideology is lacking and I have issue calling someone a feminist if they don't really consider themselves one. BUT I do think it's amazing how she relates to women, and as much as people hate to admit it, like 99% of her fans ARE women of all ages, which…

She's like my adorable little sister (if I were cool enough to have an adorable little sister like that instead of a sister who loves Glenn Beck and who thinks Obama is Satan).

I have to actively resist the urge to wipe the "smudge" off my monitor. Maybe it looks better in person, all sparkly and shit?

Throwing up after two beers in an hour too. These guys party hard!

0.06 BAC is all it takes for you guys to get to "lemme tell you what your problem is"? Remind me not to party with you.

"Is that Jennifer Lawrence? I heard she got a haircut... I don't know about it. I just don't know..."

Please, she's 5'5" and a pinch.

"Don't turn around."

I attended a very conservative religious college (at one point we were the second most conservative university in the country), and every year we got an email from the head of student life telling us exactly where and when we could watch the Victoria's Secret fashion show and asking us to please refrain from doing so.…

They need to fumigate the Cheektowga sewer department building. With all of these guys locked inside.

Remember, there are 23 hours, 59 minutes and 59 seconds more in each day. Now go fish those birth control pills out of the trash.