Oh, I didn’t mean you had to have an open bar, just that I’ve managed to have a fucking blast at weddings regardless of the Pinterest-worthy decor because I’m an adult who can make her own good time AND I love my friends.

Can someone, pretty please, conduct a study about the women who buy hook line and sinker into these marketing schemes that eventually become a Thing(tm)You(tm)Have(tm)To(tm)Have(tm)For(tm)Your(tm)SpecialDayofSnowflakery(tm)?

Slipcovers for folding chairs? Oh fuck that shit IN THE FACE. Lame. If you want to elope, by all means: you and your partner should have the wedding you want! But if you aren’t sold, just remember that no one remembers that shit and it doesn’t matter and these vendors are just trying to make a buck...but you don’t…

Does it count if you go sit in front of a nearby body of water with a 6-pack and chill together? Because I plan to moon it up like that. $7.99 + gas.

I spend about $160 a month on groceries, and you’re spending $162 on what, 12 meals? Is this why New Yorkers complain about things being expensive? Because they have no clue how to budget?

A grocery delivery service? Not sure, don’t care to google.

I think all the outer-ring suburban types such as myself are sitting here like, “huh?”

i’m here to talk about newsies, if anyone wants to do that.

He is Fly.

I don’t know. We re-watched Earth Girls are Easy last night and he's been quite fetching from the beginning.

Well, I’m one of the internet’s most handsome sentient llamas.

Fake Detective

I want to watch a buddy cop show about her and Rachel Dolezal. Rach is the tough, take-no-shit, blackface cop. She doesn’t need a gun or badge; she’s got her bow and arrow and her race card. Belle is the freewheeling hippie cop with a tragic secret: she’s dying of fake-ass cancer. Together, they must team up to fight…

People who run scams by pretending they have cancer are the FUCKING WORSE. Signed, someone who just got through actual cancer and somehow managed not to beg strangers for money.

Right? American journalists are way too soft on their interviewees. We need more Tara Browns.

I enjoyed both sentences in this post very much.

I don’t understand how this cardboard cutout is casting a human shadow.

So is there something wrong with me? Because i’m actually agreeing with what Brody Jenner is saying and thinking he came off as a likable guy in this interview. Please tell me he dresses his kittens in Nazi uniforms or something like that so I can go back to hating the guy and the universe can resume normal order.

I agree with all of these except the weather! I know everyone thinks it’s gauche to talk about the weather, but it’s the great equalizer. “It’s so fucking hot right now I just want to wring out my boob sweat into a wading pool filled with ice and jump in” is the kind of conversation everyone can relate to.

My go-to response for boring conversations (or worse, those online conversations that are just endless rounds of “hey, what’re you up to?” “I dunno, what do you want to do?” with Facebook friends who haven’t improved their human interaction game since 2nd grade) is to start talking about cannibalism. I know a LOT…