I would like to give you ten stars.

Do they also take straight, serious ones? Because if, God forbid, something goes Horribly Wrong, I'd hate to think that one of these will be the version that gets thrown up in the media on every tragic anniversary, a la Challenger.

But the question of "stimulate" remains. Their typo, or Jez typo?

There is a little boy at daycare who is named "Craven." I don't actually know the spelling, I just know how it sounds because it seems like they're constantly saying, "Craven, no!" when I see him. I really hope he grows up brave.

...You missed "stimulate."

"b) exposes any device, costume, or covering that gives the appearance of or stimulates the genitals"

Is there something about hamster behavior that makes them inclined to just sit and chill through all this, or are they just a) trained and/or b)being controlled by trickery, like when the movie folks spray stuff everywhere except where they want the bugs to run. I have clearly never owned a hamster, but I can't get my…

But do they then come to you asking you to do it for them? For the 10th time? Because when my parents show up at my house for a visit, a two-day drive for them, they frequently come with a short list of things they want me to look up online for them. Because ... I don't know why. They are enthusiastic library patrons.…

This sounds like Lowry Park on steroids.

As much as I hate that my parents refuse to join the modern world and connect to the internet (at all, seriously. no cable, either.) things like this remind me that maybe the trade off isn't so bad. Like, yeah, I have to physically print out photos of their grandchildren and snail mail them to their house, BUUUUT, the…

I don't know about your anectodotals, but all of mine ALSO have the third variable, "poverty," which is probably where a lot of the problems start.

"In order to encourage the not-hitting of women and such, we've created clothing decorated with what is essentially a bull's eye." —The NFL

This would explain why any art teachers ever hit on students? It's all for the learning process.

I think the correct answer here is: Get someone else to do it. Seriously. Fuck those stairs at this point.

My new go-to advice for expectant moms: Hey, newborns are pretty awful. A lot. Barely human. Be prepared to love this strange creature inexplicably, and then be prepared to get absolutely nothing back for your troubles, except for the satisfaction of another day where you didn't accidentally set the house on fire. At…

So, women are "selfish" when they "choose" abortion, sending fully formed baby souls straight to live in heaven with Jesus ... and this asshole thinks it would have been cool if, instead, some poor soul was made to live and die through a lifetime of pain and suffering on earth, all because daddy can't wait until his…

Every time that we are in public and the babies are having a meltdown, I think, "It could be worse, we could have had triplets." So, yeah. I'm sure it's going to be awesome for these people in a lot of ways, but the next few months are gonna suuuuuck. I hope they have a lot of help.

I've seen enough real-life examples, in just my little circle of existence, to fully believe that to really accumulate wealth you have to be prepared to be either an outright unapologetic bastard, or a secret underhanded bastard. Money doesn't fall from trees, you have to find ways to take it from other people. The…

Can the moral majority please make up their mind? Either they're saving the poor wimmens from the evil godless boyfriends pushing them into abortion, or they're saving the sainted sperm bestowers from the wanton destruction of their potential offspring. I can't keep track any more.

You must have misheard. He said he needed a sandwich. Clearly understandable why he found your refusal to comply so disheartening.