Sucka! I went for the buy 3, get 3 free deal. (And I can use them at a later date.)

My friend and I took advantage of the Two for One deal at the Abortionarium last Tuesday. Got my membership card punched too.

So you want kids wearing gimp suits that haven't been properly cared for!?

A sex-ed book on common sexual practices? NO FUCKING WAY! BURN THE BOOK! BURN IT!

Ninth grade?

The thing is there's a difference between quietly going about your life and ordering regular things that are just grain free and making your own food accordingly, and never ever shutting the hell up about how things MUST BE gluten free.

Haha. Oh yeah, I could go on for hours. Might be my favorite episode in general. I will never get over Lana as Calpernia the French maid.

I now want a t-shirt or a coffee cup that says, "Except you know ... no butt stuff." Because.

I was watching a Secrets of the Bible this week where they basically said that the Old Testament says butt stuff, with the opposite or the same sex, is totes fine as long as it doesn't interfere with that whole procreation thing. So as long as you also do PIV stuff, you can do all the butt stuff and the gay stuff you…

Allow me to paint a picture:

Him: A world class Gentlemen (the capital G is quite intentional) who was Raised Right by Godly Parents to treat women like ladies (read: fragile porcelain dolls that need a strong man to give them direction and make them complete).

Her: A slightly aloof, naive young girl (lowercase g also…

and I heard the cumunion is too salty.

Get down on your knees and start pleasing Jesus! (You'll feel his salvation all over your face if you do it well)

But... why don't they just have the same story but make them be married already? Then they can have all the sex they want and it will already be Godly. Except you know.... no butt stuff.

How do you expect a 35 year old lesbian woman to grow a mustache? That is asking a lot from Bieber...

You should leave out the word "wedding." Just "COME TO MY REVENGE" will probably get a higher attendance. Let the wedding part be a surprise.

When I get married, the invitations will say in giant red font: COME TO MY REVENGE WEDDING.

Yes, and if you wanna "beta test" marriage or whatever, just try living together.

I was told that I was too old for my insurance to cover the vaccine cost, because I clearly had fucked around a lot by my age. (I hadn't.)

I don't know anything about Finland's Evangelical Lutherans, but in America there's a Lutheran denomination known as the ELCA (the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America), and no, they're not the idea of "evangelical" that you have in mind. Quite progressive and open minded. And you'll never find an ELCA member asking…

It is my second-favorite headline I've ever written, after: