Pretty sure those small town diners only exist to give tv news reports a place to ask dipshit octogenarians why they voted for trump.

“I was born in a medium-sized city” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Yeah, I live in Bloomington. It’s not a small town, but it is surrounded by them. And as a college town it’s a blue island in the sea of red that is southern Indiana.

You weren’t wearing pants and the neighbor said “your dog is loose”?

So, I’ve never seen the video for Small Town, but the moment you linked to has him and his band playing in front of a “Welcome to Bloomington” sign. In 1985, when the song was released, it was somewhere between the 10th-biggest town or city in the state (as it was in 1980) and the 8th largest (as it was 1990). The…

Guys who have been married for longer than 6 months and refer to their old lady as “my bride” give me the creeps.

Ah I was coming here to talk about the bullshit museum. “The Smithbergs were pillars of the community and lovingly restored our old firehouse, which now houses Mrs. Smithberg’s unique collection of stuffed horses from the early 1900s, believed to be the largest of its kind in the Western Hemisphere.”

Speaking as someone who lived along the The 5 in Central California in the 90's, you are frighteningly correct about them being havens of vampires. If by vampire you mean meth heads.

Driving through a lot of small towns I think my favorite thing is probably:

Can’t believe you forgot leash-less (seemingly ownerless) dog(s) when driving through small towns. You’re driving through and there is a dog just standing under a tree or running down the sidewalk. Probably everybody in town knows his name.

I’m currently in my early-thirties. Been with my girl for a couple years. We still do the cutesy baby talk thing between us

Oscar Pistorius competed in the Olympics. And that guy has NO calves. 

Look, it's pretty goddamn simple. Jersey is in England. York is in England. New Jersey and New York are in New England. 

I’m not gonna lie, I buy everything about this article and Laura Wagner is a much smarter and sharper writer than I have a prayer of being. I still thought Dickerson's article was pretty damn good, and I generally like him. Go ahead and roast me, Internet Cool Kids, I know I deserve it anyway.

Made for the following people in their entirety:
You, Me

I accidentally left Wisconsin out of the list of Great Lakes states. It has been added.

Casually trying to burn the entire internet to the ground on a Friday afternoon is not very chill.  People might have previously had weekend plans they now have to cancel!

Neither. I hit Answer, hold the phone squarely in front of my face and start yelling at whoever had the temerity or bad judgment to try and reach me by phone.

We had a two piece phone when I was a boy. Which sat on a little table in the foyer by the front door. And next to it was always a pad of paper and a pencil, in case Mr. Roosevelt called to say that we were at war with Germany.