Please be a trolling post, because I'm from Pittsburgh and am horrified that you are real.

Good list, except you got No. 4 backwards - our obsessively spoiled fan base will nitpick the most minor flaws even AFTER the Steelers win a Super Bowl. "God, what was Ben doing up until that last drive against the Cardinals? Our team is FUCKING GARBAGE. Glad we got that sixth ring though."

Is print porn still a factor and are there still visibly hot girls riding the train to work with me? Because when we lived our lives in the Dark Ages using torn-out bits of "Cheri", we still got it done. But going back to non-digital everything else would be horrible. I have to write and mail checks again to pay my…

The worst is the silent standoff over the armrest when some other dude gets too territorial: you insist in claiming your territory with your own arm, but then it has to rub up against his arm (totally not gay at all) until one of you gives in. Once I started verbally arguing with a guy after I politely asked him to…

Go banana!

Two words (one hyphenated): Over-the-Rhine riots. That happened in 2001!

Have 238 people replied "Clooney" to this question yet? Because Clooney.

How can you tell the difference from "For Whom the Bell Tolls"?

I must disagree completely - I think sitting makes the problem infinitely worse. In fact, after taking a shit, I will hold a piece of TP up against my dick hole to prevent from pissing all over the stall while I stand up. You don't get the gravity action you do from pissing while standing, and that only builds up MORE…

I don't know about you, but I would rather not go back to the days of McKinley-era cities. Only if I get to be an industry baron of some sort who can buy my way out of the average man's misery, like I get to run Big Railroad or Big Whale Oil.

Serious answer: I think it will be animals. The existing animal-rights movement is already very strong, and the tide has already turned against things like fur, whaling, glue traps, etc. This isn't to say that animals will vote or get married ("THOUGH THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WITH GAY MARRIAGE!" - idiots), but I think…

Would Scott Raab commit televised suicide if this happened? I think the answer is a solid yes.

You sound like a lot of fun at parties.

There are people who hate Five Guys? I thought it was the 0ne restaurant that unites both pretentious foodie assholes and mouth-breathing Guy Fieri fans in support of those tasty burgers.

I think the bland here deserves an asterisk - when you add the Red Devil hot sauce that's prominently placed on every table, the sandwich becomes great. But yeah, if you didn't do that or know to do it, it's a lot of starchiness cut only by the slaw.

WHERE'S YAH SENSE OF HUMAAAAAHHHH?

Kabul would beg to differ.

Obama would still surpass every one of those guys for media frenzy, even Bieber:

Will metal ever reunite musicianship skills with actual singing? There are lots of metal bands these days with awesome instrumentals, but then Cookie Monster shows up again on lead vocals and ruins it for me. Hetfield and Araya more or less sing, and their bands are clearly the inspiration for most metal today - what…

This feels like a really, really yinzer thing to do. Do you live in Blawnox or McKees Rocks by chance?