Outrace an offensive lineman? Possible but unlikely. Beating Jason Pierre-Paul or even Casey Hampton in a race? No way.

How many Diet Cokes in a day does it take to go from "JUST CRUSHIN' DIET COKES BRAH!" to "Brah, I think you have a Diet Coke problem, brah."?

One day at age 22 or so I found I had accidentally carried home my gym towel, so after washing it, I used it as a jizz rag for the next five years. Highly absorbent, easily washed and environmentally friendly. When I got rid of it after getting married, I was legitimately saddened.

I had the best anecdote during my 2nd-round audition (the time I was on Letterman) and thought I was a sure thing for the show. Those fuckers didn't buy it, but I'll be back.

There aren't even official guidelines for "organic" - any old brand-management asshole can slap that on the packaging and go to town on the hot mom who's upper-middle-class and well-intentioned but takes eating tips from Us Weekly. So there's no need to buy off the FDA or USDA because neither of them verify any of it.

What's the point of changing your name on Facebook? So maybe you get a few media inquiries you refer elsewhere, so what?

Brilliant.

Give this girl a job at Deadspin!

Seriously, she's fucking hilarious.

Looking at my music library, I think D is the best for variety and general awesomeness. Your rap collection is solid with the inclusion of DJs Everyone, plus Dr. Dre, Dr. Octagon and DMX (if you're an idiot who likes terrible rap). Destiny's Child provides the hot-girls-dancing quotient. You get a great punk…

Yeah, this was a strong punch in the gut.

Shit, that's hardly better. Smashing them one at a time with the rock would be instant death if you did it right.

Indeed.

When you read old books about farm life like "The Grapes of Wrath", they sometimes casually mention drowning kittens, piglets, puppies, etc. when they can't care for them. To me that sounds like the most disturbing way to put down adorable baby animals - I would much rather smash them with a big-ass rock. Holding them…

Underrated: brussels sprouts. Cut them in half, microwave for 3 min, toss them in brown mustard and olive oil, skewer and grill. Delicious.

I like how you think. College fucking is some pretty darned awesome fucking.

Isn't that a total myth? If your body can clean itself, how do you explain homeless smell?

Everything I've read about that injury focused on the lifesaving medical aftermath, but yeah, I hadn't heard as much about the broadcast handling of this.

I will freely admit that smartness matters a great deal in my evaluation of hotness.

Shit, I would objectify the shit out of myself in a magazine if given the chance. (Though I'm a dude.)

Well the idea that "sexy" is a stand-alone quality is stupid - if you put two women side by side in front of me, but one is notably more intelligent than the other, then I will find the intelligent one to be far more sexually attractive. So yeah, to your point, many of us men are emphatically not turned off when we…