Two words (one hyphenated): Over-the-Rhine riots. That happened in 2001!

Have 238 people replied "Clooney" to this question yet? Because Clooney.

How can you tell the difference from "For Whom the Bell Tolls"?

I must disagree completely - I think sitting makes the problem infinitely worse. In fact, after taking a shit, I will hold a piece of TP up against my dick hole to prevent from pissing all over the stall while I stand up. You don't get the gravity action you do from pissing while standing, and that only builds up MORE…

I don't know about you, but I would rather not go back to the days of McKinley-era cities. Only if I get to be an industry baron of some sort who can buy my way out of the average man's misery, like I get to run Big Railroad or Big Whale Oil.

Serious answer: I think it will be animals. The existing animal-rights movement is already very strong, and the tide has already turned against things like fur, whaling, glue traps, etc. This isn't to say that animals will vote or get married ("THOUGH THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WITH GAY MARRIAGE!" - idiots), but I think…

Would Scott Raab commit televised suicide if this happened? I think the answer is a solid yes.

You sound like a lot of fun at parties.

There are people who hate Five Guys? I thought it was the 0ne restaurant that unites both pretentious foodie assholes and mouth-breathing Guy Fieri fans in support of those tasty burgers.

I think the bland here deserves an asterisk - when you add the Red Devil hot sauce that's prominently placed on every table, the sandwich becomes great. But yeah, if you didn't do that or know to do it, it's a lot of starchiness cut only by the slaw.

WHERE'S YAH SENSE OF HUMAAAAAHHHH?

Kabul would beg to differ.

Obama would still surpass every one of those guys for media frenzy, even Bieber:

Will metal ever reunite musicianship skills with actual singing? There are lots of metal bands these days with awesome instrumentals, but then Cookie Monster shows up again on lead vocals and ruins it for me. Hetfield and Araya more or less sing, and their bands are clearly the inspiration for most metal today - what…

This feels like a really, really yinzer thing to do. Do you live in Blawnox or McKees Rocks by chance?

Outrace an offensive lineman? Possible but unlikely. Beating Jason Pierre-Paul or even Casey Hampton in a race? No way.

How many Diet Cokes in a day does it take to go from "JUST CRUSHIN' DIET COKES BRAH!" to "Brah, I think you have a Diet Coke problem, brah."?

One day at age 22 or so I found I had accidentally carried home my gym towel, so after washing it, I used it as a jizz rag for the next five years. Highly absorbent, easily washed and environmentally friendly. When I got rid of it after getting married, I was legitimately saddened.

I had the best anecdote during my 2nd-round audition (the time I was on Letterman) and thought I was a sure thing for the show. Those fuckers didn't buy it, but I'll be back.

There aren't even official guidelines for "organic" - any old brand-management asshole can slap that on the packaging and go to town on the hot mom who's upper-middle-class and well-intentioned but takes eating tips from Us Weekly. So there's no need to buy off the FDA or USDA because neither of them verify any of it.