Your phone’s pedometer app can count thrusts for you.

...and THAT is why you always go for two!

The way that ball hitched right, I highly suspect witchcraft.

These guys need to grow up. In the NHL dudes lick each other’s faces, and you don’t see THEM fighting about it.

This weirdly makes me want to get a smart-watch.

Edit: beaten to the punchline. 

Excuse me, the promotion says “free hat, gross bugs” but my hat only has 143.

I am more mad about this than any other undeserved victory in history. Martha is not ugly. Being “a 125-pound, drooling, snoring, gassy, loud and silly girl” is no basis for winning an ugliness contest. In fact, thousands, if not millions, of extremely beautiful women fit this exact description.

We’re all surrounded by skeletons all the time. There may be one inside your house with you right now. OH CRAP put down the internet and run, the skeleton is coming from INSIDE YOUR BODY!

Despite the constant negative press covfefe

Oh man, I’d fear for my window!

In other news, eleven foxes were appointed to the oversight committee for the Henhouse Protection Agency.

I’d be ok with funding a single new row of bricks along the mexico border every year of his presidency.

Yeah it is snazzy as hell! It actually nests right above the window, or it did until a few days ago. I should also say as an entomologist that my disrespect for bird geeks is purely professional, some of my best friends are birders. Its just that I can’t be seen advocating for vertebrates.

My mom gave me a deluxe window birdfeeder for christmas (clear plastic platform for seeds, suction cups on back) and it took a few weeks for the birds to find it, but then boy did they ever. I got really into it and learned that some birds will only feed on the ground, and damn if I didn’t see some of those exact…

I’m so depressed and jaded at this point, but the thing about Texas trying to invalidate college id for voting while accepting concealed carry licenses made me gasp out loud.

Above is Dennis. He’s 13, deaf, almost blind, and had his leg amputated three years ago because of bone cancer. He also dgaf and is happy and frisky and full of mischief. In the second pic he is in Easy Rider costume as ...Dennis Hopper. My other pet is Ross. He is almost 15 but still doing just fine.

If the people of our great country could only see how viciously and inaccurately my administration is covered by certain media!

As a dog myself, I find this ruling to be very troubling.

Came down here to see if Darrell Green was getting any props. If I recall correctly, he returned that kick with a freshly broken rib. You can see him protecting his side at around 0:46.