Kenan Thompson: [Nervously chuckles to mask regret for offering to sell soul to get on SNL]

Indeed, just as it is now the trend for quarterbacks to grow a third leg to attract more penalties for being hit below the knee.

Now that’s a hot lede!

According to Merrian-Webster, “unlikely” can mean not only “not likely” but also “likely to fail,” “not promising,” or “not seeming to be right or suited for a purpose.” As in, “dribbling out the clock was an unlikely use of the remaining time in regulation.”

Watching that clip, Jalen talkin’ bout Zion needs to sign a shoe deal. More like he needs to sign a motorized scooter deal, amirite? Or maybe a deal with TLC, “My Overweight NBA Life”?! Jesus Zion, how do you even leave the house looking as fat as Seth Greenberg says you are?!?

None of this would have happened had Federer not challenged a point he won on the first deuce, allowing the point to be replayed. He would have otherwise won the match on the next point. The way Nadal started playing after that, I was like 86% convinced he was going to come back and beat Fed in 5 sets.

Everytime the fans act in a racist manner, the referee shall halt the game, all exits shall be barred, and the entirety of Crash will be shown on the jumbotron. Not to make the fans any less racist, but to punish them for their boorish behavior.

Meanwhile, whoever was going to start for the Skins at QB this year fell down while getting off an elevator and tore both ACLs, probably.

Have you tried other flavors? What about putting toppings on them? How about sprinkling bath salts on them and washing them down with rubbing alcohol??

I’m not sure they’ll get it.

Even on the days when you’re fortunate enough not to get stuck behind a straight pride parade!

I know I often turn on a ballgame and think to myself, ‘man this guy talking should really expand into the restaurant business.’

I think the ‘No Spin Zone’ was a segment on the Factor. ‘No Spin News’ is his current show/podcast/sexual predator fanfic forum, ever since he got canned. I had to Google that, please don’t judge me.

At long last, we finally know why Maddon has never appeared on Bill O’Reilly’s No Spin News.

“If it missed me, and traveled another 50 metres, slowing down significantly along the way, boy that could have really done some damage.”

I feel like I need to call you out for saying you couldn’t think of any Jamaican track athletes. Usain Bolt, man! THE track athlete.

Now there’s a worthy retort

“Bell is up to 25 home runs on the season, by far the most of his MLB career.”

Or like how in America bananas are seen as nourishment while in England they are viewed as aerial projectiles to be hurled at black players?

(bees swarm the comments section)