And those are the sumbitch cheater mosquitoes that come out during the day! I’ll be planting tomatoes at 2 in the gott dang afternoon and all of a sudden I have bites all up my leg.

They’re laundered after one use in my house, Pigpen. I am not exaggerating when I say we have over 100, for a three-person household.

“The washcloth was invented to do a job that is now occupied by loofahs and shower poofs”

Sounds more to me that the magic of Zeppelin saved your life. Give thanks to your Dark Master Jimmy.

I refused to say anything about or acknowledge when a Mets pitcher was throwing a no-hitter. It finally worked.

Scary-looking. I met him at a bar a couple years before he died and he was the nicest guy.

What would Mase have to be ashamed about - being robbed at gunpoint by this piece of shit? The only person who should be shamed is the ho that was having coitus with that fat tub of goo.

Y’know what would have been awesome? If the truck would have went up onto the car hood and got stuck.

I made cheese and jalapeno cornbread in my cast iron pan once and it was better than sex. Though to be honest, sex with me is pretty terrible.

I don’t understand how people mock mayo as ultra-white. Nothing says non-ethnic ofay more than string bean casserole. Who in their right mind chooses to eat that shit? Runny goop with green beans in it? I am nauseated at the idea of it. And eating those stringy french-cut green beans gives me the douche chills.

I don’t put my bbq on bread, because bread is taking up valuable stomach real estate better filled with more meat.

Yeah, well, they tried saying that with AIDS and everyone said that was meanspirited.

“I think we really need a one world government”

NYC or LA have more stadiums and arenas than they know what to do with. Put the athletes up in vacant college dorms. I could plan it out over a long weekend.

People that devote their lives to sports that no one gives a shit about are out of their minds. Nothing like ruining your childhood, your mental and physical health, and any hope of normal relationships, for the infinitesimal chance of reaching the absolute pinnacle of your game, and then by some miracle actually…

Is the 3800 the 3.8L V6 that was in the ‘88 Cutlass Ciera I bought from my parents? Gosh, that car was great. Fast for a 4-door family car, plushy velour seats, ice-cold AC. Ran like new with 80K miles. My wife made us get rid of it and buy a minivan when our daughter turned 2. I still miss it.

If this is art, I’m a unicorn.

“See the Jeff Kent/David Cone trade”

We leave the cat alone for 3-4 days. Unlike dogs, cats will eat the food they need, not ALL the food available as soon as they can. He is nicely self-sufficient.

YES. My cat was free, friend of a friend’s old lady neighbor died. And he is awesome and much more fun than the guy next door’s French Bulldog that cost $3000 and another $6000 for a hip operation.