I don’t put my bbq on bread, because bread is taking up valuable stomach real estate better filled with more meat.

Yeah, well, they tried saying that with AIDS and everyone said that was meanspirited.

“I think we really need a one world government”

NYC or LA have more stadiums and arenas than they know what to do with. Put the athletes up in vacant college dorms. I could plan it out over a long weekend.

People that devote their lives to sports that no one gives a shit about are out of their minds. Nothing like ruining your childhood, your mental and physical health, and any hope of normal relationships, for the infinitesimal chance of reaching the absolute pinnacle of your game, and then by some miracle actually…

Is the 3800 the 3.8L V6 that was in the ‘88 Cutlass Ciera I bought from my parents? Gosh, that car was great. Fast for a 4-door family car, plushy velour seats, ice-cold AC. Ran like new with 80K miles. My wife made us get rid of it and buy a minivan when our daughter turned 2. I still miss it.

If this is art, I’m a unicorn.

“See the Jeff Kent/David Cone trade”

We leave the cat alone for 3-4 days. Unlike dogs, cats will eat the food they need, not ALL the food available as soon as they can. He is nicely self-sufficient.

YES. My cat was free, friend of a friend’s old lady neighbor died. And he is awesome and much more fun than the guy next door’s French Bulldog that cost $3000 and another $6000 for a hip operation.

Ah. Much more reasonable.

Alright, you’ve mentioned it twice. I’ll be the one to ask: what is edging?

“Would you feel the same if he had sex with someone for that long?”

I’m almost 50 and my thick, luxurious mane is starting to show signs of receding. (It’s also graying on the temples, but who gives a shit.) My problem is I have a weirdly-shaped head. It’s enormous, and kind of slopes in the front. If I ever have to start shaving my head I’m going to be a sideshow freak.

Save $300 a year and use your wife’s “Extra Body” shampoo.

Every generation thinks they discovered Shower Beer. I mentioned it once to my 20-year-old daughter and she was taken aback. “Wait, you guys did that, too?!”

Counterpoint.

Acoustic guitar is fine, until you bring it to a keg party. Note to you guitarists: Bluto isn’t the only guy who hates people who bring guitars to a party.

I used to work with a guy who affected an English accent despite having been born in New York and never living a day in the UK. He did so because he liked English bands and thought he sounded cool. He played bass.

INCORRECT