Well, we're boned.

Really? Because when I was young the big town scandal was that the Class of '94 had to retake their senior class portrait because half the class was doing the Shocker in it.

In the time that you wrote this sentence, one of those 7 yr olds has killed 10 hookers in GTA

Can we write in Pete Rose?

It worked on me when I was a kid. Kept asking for the (insanely expensive) LEGO Space Monorail, and every time it didn't materialize my parents would do this wideyed "well we TOLD Santa to get that for you, what the hell is his problem" routine. Successfully diverted my wrath to an imaginary scapegoat. My letters to…

That's fucking genius. And an excellent way to teach them early on that "want" and "need" are not congruent. My hat off to you, good sir, and to your equally brilliant wife.

This list is a complete parenting fail. With something like a Christmas list you need to get out in front of it. My wife saw something on pinterest last year that we used with our children and it worked well. Basically you have the kid make a list comprised of four things and it is formatted like this: For Christmas I…

Parents split up when I was 10. Apart from all the crushing insecurity that comes from moving between houses, years of damage done by listening to snide comments from each parent about the other, and the creeping abandonment issues that are revealing themselves later in life, the doubling down on Christmas was pretty…

"A little thing that can turn into anything at anytime."

"Nobody ever lets me make any decisions", thought JumboTron. As if it wasn't hard enough being Calvin Johnson's fat younger brother.

"We can’t let the JumboTron make our decisions!"

What's particularly galling is that taking part in the race would have been completely acceptable had it been within a year of Ward's high school graduation. It wasn't, because of his two years doing mission work for the church.

Please tell me someone's planning this tribute next:

"Travis...think I had a kid with that name once. Maybe. Possibly. Shit I dunno, I can't keep track."

"Condom? Was' that?"

"Or, maybe he wears a condom too often"

And I thought the Star Wars segment would never be topped.

He should have ended sentences by "sponsored by Qualcomm" like the guy from Idiocracy.

Don't do it, Pacman! He's got the high ground!