Even with the application of Hot Ice?

I typically just take some claritin and throw away all my neighbors cats

As humans, have we reached the point in evolution where a Henry Rowengartner arm situation is completely plausible? If so, how hard would the kid have to fall. If not, how much longer do you think it’s going to take?

If I take out my phone during silence and my girlfriend wants to talk, I’ll put the phone down and do my best not to look inconvenienced. I’ve found though that if she’s acting like an asshole to me, I can take my phone out and escape into social media. Usually by the time I’m done making some pointless comment on a…

Sometimes I laugh at the thought of all the people who were the first to eat things....like how the first guy to try milk was obviously a huge pervert Or the first person to find out that they were allergic to peanuts. Bunch of cavemen, sitting around, eating some nuts and then Oog starts swelling up and keels over.…

Is it Chris Kluwe? Goddamnit, it's always Chris Kluwe

But an even bigger nightmare? Being Chevy Chase

Emotionally, and I’ll pull at the little hairs on the back of your arm.

You’re assuming that gaining the power of invisibility means losing common sense and aimlessly running into traffic

I’ll invisible murder you first.

Invisibility is clearly the best superpower. Now, nevermind that bangin pun for a second and let me explain why. You can rob everyone, relive all those pervy 80's movie pranks that you fantasized about doing, kill without being identified, and get into all the movies for free.

Pissed myself in the 1st grade because the nun wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom. Well, Sister Susan learned two things that day. First, don’t mess with a child who prioritizes bladder health and secondly, it’s the teacher’s job to clean the pee.

Whoever would write such a tasteless comment deserves a standing ovation...

I live a block away from the Half Acre brewery. They serve food now. Gonna die on a stool there

Oh god, I was an usher in a Fourth of July wedding in Southern Illinois, there was no A/C in the church and I was unbelievably hungover from the night before. I was sweating Jack Daniels through my suit coat and all the bible banging Christians I had to escort up the aisle kept asking me if I had “been indulging” that…

I also sweat a lot. Can’t wear certain color shorts in the summer because of the fear of visible butt sweat...This guy though..he’s on a whole different level. He should consider spraying himself with scotchgard before he does pretty much anything for the rest of his life. How has he not died from dehydration? How bad…

-1 white blood cell

It’s GAMMY!