I had a great Dead Guy once. Once. For years I tried to convince people that it was a great beer, but every time they'd take my recommendation and order it, it always tasted like shit. I thought I had lost my mind until just reading this.

And on NFL.com, nearly every single new headline is about a new contract. If you're going to punish teams for leaking news, how about you don't publish the goddamn leaked stories on your website.

I'm no sciencetist, but if that thing has a vagina, it's a female.

P.S. This is totally not Jordan Leopold

Based on these tweets, we can determine that he has a hand in writing Iggy's (Iggies?) lyrics

I believe in having free range babies. Let them squirm wherever they please, leaving behind a thick slime trail, for which we shall use to track them. This creates a happier, plumper baby that doesn't have that "stressed out" taste. The kind of meat you can cut with a fork.

God, why do you hate Chicago right now? What did we do wrong? Do we need to put Kris Bryant in a fucking bubble to avoid your wrath or what?

Can't dodge a torn ACL

Worked for Steve Jobs.

As soon as Gay Marriage gets approved, things start freezing over in Alabama. Coincidence? I think so.

The word "sloppier" makes me moist

Might as well call the kid Free Mason

Winter Stadium Series is coming

I prefer to "unlock" my wine the old fashion way. By wearing fake vampire teeth and biting straight into the bag, as I would a victim of my immortal plight.

I prefer to "unlock" my wine the old fashion way. By wearing fake vampire teeth and biting straight into the bag,…

I'm doing well on Twitter, so I doing well in life.

I was trolling. I'm quite the mischievous little scamp.

Whichever Uncle is up the earliest, I guess