Hawk is a slack-jawed retard that makes other retards look like Rhodes scholars. I've never understood why White Sox fans have such affection for a hillbilly haphazardly ejaculating irrelevant neologisms and profoundly stupid observations into the play-by-play, but perhaps this comparison can help: Hawk is John…

+1 for being a champion in our eyes

Yeah, and the Jays will probably be playing to a half empty stadium for the other 80 games of the year, like they have for the last 15 years. Stones, glass houses, etc...

This might seem foreign to the fairweather denizens of Toronto, but selling out a home opener is actually the norm for most organizations - even for…

White people in general. Between the neckbeared, woman-hating manchildren that dominate one spectrum of the Internet, and the chronically-offended, middleclass SWF tumblr warriors on the other, and fucking Glee, we're a loooooong way removed from our days of moon landing ambitions.

If by "pure working class" you mean "hacky, pandering corporate dinosaur", sure. I mean, don't get me wrong - he's a fair forgery of his "working class" roots at times, and a serviceable savior to the B&T suburban trash that idolizes his shitty dockworker anthems, but he's pretty fucking far removed from the actual…

Well done. Your disposition is enviable, and I would hazard that you'll live a fuller life than many people who aren't burdened with similar circumstances.

So uh, I guess karma called in sick for a decade when the Redskins won 3 super bowls? I don't really have any skin in the fight (yuk yuk), but to act like the Redskins have been a long-suffering team bereft of championships and success is fucking retarded.

You are both fucking morons.

Befitting for such an original show. "A dramedy about obnoxious, self-obsessed twentysomethings living in New York? Zounds! Why hasn't anyone swung a pick at this goldmine before!?!"

No one outside of the Seattle gave/currently gives a shit that you lost your team. The Sonics moved from one shitty small market to another shitty small market, and to give OKC credit, they seem to actually be supporting them (though that will probably wane as the "New NBA Team" smell wears off.)

An excellent point; the war on drugs is going famously well, under similar auspices.

"This bottle of tears is part of the fashionable 'Nouveau Butthurt (Ped State, private reserve stock)' - bottled from last year's bountiful yield in the Tickle Monster Valley of State College, PA, and it does not disappoint. From the first sip of the opening line, senses will be overwhelmed by a full, complex bouquet…

bWAR or fWAR?

Of all the butthurt replies, the "de facto tourism director" ones are my favorite. "The reports of our city being a boring, irrelevant, midwestern shithole have been greatly exaggerated! How dare you besmirch our thriving metropolis with your ignorant slander - why, just the other day we opened a BRAND NEW IKEA…

Why would they?

I came here to mock you and say mean things. You've sabotaged my efforts with your startling self-awareness for how loathed you are among the peanut gallery. How big were Barry Bonds tits when you met him?

"Call me Ishmael"

The reason it's entertaining is because Cards fans trip over themselves to ejaculate "OH GOD WE ARE JUST THE BEST FANS IN BASEBALL - SO CLASSY SO CLASSY" into any sentence errant with a short pause, and all without a twinge of irony or sarcasm.

FLAWLESS VICTORY

What office do you work in that's Footlocker-adjacent? Are you Mr. Orange Julius, attorney-at-law?