"I'm sorry, I think there's been a misunderstanding, Wes... I meant, I need to get some quotes from your secondary for my game story— where are the guys who were pissed on?"

"Did you see dat light in Ortons eyes DAT WAS MEE i got all up in his head hahahahahahahah"

-@JackDaniels_US

FLAMING HOT TAKE

"We apologize wholeheartedly for the on-field performance's bringing to mind such a disheartening, ongoing tragedy. And we're sorry about the Ebola joke, as well."

I just find it hard to believe that Geno Smith's timing would be that off on anything.

And when she throws bananas, they're the tiniest bananas!

"Overpriced draft picks for everybody, ON ME!"

sptguy33: Yup, these are my fans

[Posts picture of Kichler Ceres with brushed stainless finish and light oak blades, inlaid with old Garden parquet planks]

Not only was TNF the highest-rated show last night, but a closer look at the ratings stats shows that NFL programming swept the Nielsen top three and took down a whopping 33 share in total, once you factor in spinoffs Scandal and How To Get Away With Murder.

I bet you can get some nice, brown jus out of any trim that's been on that. Alternately, if you insert that in a vagina, the result would be sloppily repulsive.

You're thinking of Harding, I think.

Cain: [In background] Come on, Sally! Ducks on the pond, baby, ducks on the pond!
Perez: [To GoPro] Check this out, guys.
Perez: [Puts finger to lips]
Perez: [Raises eyebrows, smiles crazily]
Perez: [Posts .595 second-half OPS]

Chief of Staff: My word. Madam First Lady... is the President... out of sorts?
Mrs. Coolidge: Dear, are you all right? Dear?
Coolidge's Internal Monologue: HOLY SHIT I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M HERE AT THE FUCKING WORLD SERIES GOOSE GOSLIN FOR THE MOTHERFUCKING WIN I'M SO EXCITED I COULD PUT MY FIST THROUGH THIS FAT…

"I have to say, it's been a long time since I've seen so much come from bunting, lack of gun-shyness, and frantic running-around... and just a little iffy defensive work."

-Governor John Connally (dec.)

"That's unacceptable conduct by the visiting supporters," said Arsene Wenger postmatch. "Our fans were pretty close to getting hit with the flares, which, of course, is just as good as getting hit with the flares."

"This game is all over the place, mostly because these officials are terrible. Is that squatting guy eligible? And, I mean, look at how the one guy is slapping at that receiver running down the sideline... isn't that illegal contact? And how many quarterback changes is this Yost guy allowed to make?"

Liniers Fan: [Looks at own handheld sign]
Liniers Fan: [Frowns]
Liniers Fan: [Stares at sign for several seconds] Ah.
Liniers Fan: [Produces marker from pocket]
Liniers Fan: [Adds "AND IGNORING THE BALLS!" to "GET OFF YOUR KNEES, REF! YOU'RE BLOWING THE GAME!"]
Liniers Fan: [Kisses fingers; adjusts jaunty scarf; dreams of…

J. R. Smith is a brilliant comparison here.

"When we're standing at doors for an hour and it's zero degrees and the doors keep opening," said one woman, "that's my biggest bone to pick. Which is understandable, I guess, because it's zero degrees, so, like, they're practically concave down there."

"I just figured, it's time to walk."

-Dunn, following last night's game; during a bases-loaded at-bat; following a large meal of spaghetti carbonara and breadsticks on a sunny fall evening; contemplating an important life decision on an isolated beach; while pinch-hitting in front of a pitcher with men on base; waiting…