once I was out with my friends and they were talking about big dicks and I blurted out that I wasn't a fan and that I once tried to screw a guy with a big dick and it didn't fit. Then everyone laughed and one woman who was kind of the bitchy one said that MrPony must have a small package. That pissed me off and I…

So... he's single now?

girth for the win!

Yeah, this is true. Leave my cervix alone, long penises. That is not for you. That is mine. Do not touch. Thank you.

yo, big wangs hurt. Like, I can feel it in my uterus and that is just so wrong. Get out of my no man's land, wang. do. not. want.

Chicago is an island amidst a sea of casseroles, even if you guys a) make a weird casserole and call it pizza, and b) put WAY too much shit on your hot dogs.

My husband describes the whole two hour experience as if the entire staff had never been inside of a restaurant before and had no idea how typical restaurant experiences were supposed to work. Or drugs.

LIES. MAYO IS PROOF GOD LOVES US.

You got your Freshmen, ROTC Guys, Preps, JV Jocks, Asian Nerds, Cool Asians, Varsity Jocks, Unfriendly Black Hotties, Girls Who Eat Their Feelings, Girls Who Don't Eat Anything, Desperate Wannabes, Burnouts, Sexually Active Band Geeks, The Greatest People You Will Ever Meet, and The Worst. Beware of The Plastics.

My best friend once told me that her mother — a harried single mom who was too tired to beat around the bush — told her that she simply would not ask questions she didn't want to know the answers to. I've always thought that was a wise take, and an indicator that come question time, shit was important.

I saw a mother with her little kid the other day, using that rigid voice that children learn to recognise: "SAY YOU'RE SORRY!"

I am in a listicle mood today, so:

She probably also thinks that goddamned dress is White and Gold.

Sometimes I forget that other parts of the world don't get temperatures below 0 degrees C, so I read these things and go, Uhh duh, how do people not know this? Then I remember and I am sad for them (Maybe I should be sad for me?). Over the years I've had lots of opportunities to interact with people new to Canada,…

That kind of reminds me of a wedding I went to once where the couple already had a kid, and the mother or sister or someone made a speech that included, "I'm so glad she found him and got married and had kids...though not necessarily in the correct order..."

My mother. Who took the opportunity during her toast to give my bride my bronzed baby shoes, saying "This is all I have left to give to you of my Gregory. The rest you've already taken for yourself"

When I saw the movie I called my mom to tell her that they ran outtakes at the end of the film which including her scolding. She was mortified. I let her off the hook fast.

Who screwed up my wedding? Writer/Director David Mamet (young folks may know him as Zosia Mamet's father). He was filming a movie in my hometown the day of our wedding.

I had a big hand in planning my sister's wedding reception - my sister had a destination elopement of just her and Mr. Groom, with a small reception when they got back to town.