Hey Tony, big fan! Do you know where I could get some human growth hormone? I want to add a few inches, because things keep flying right over my head.

I was going to say Antonio Bastardo.

Can we have the decision in which bastardo pitched in 2013 reversed. Phillies may be over .500 then

Dear Aaron,

It continues: "Garza's 'woman' was unavailable for comment, as she is currently being treated for injuries sustained when she repeatedly fell on a bag of oranges."

You sound like every girlfriend I've ever had.

"What if Tebow's Broncos run were the only exposure to football India ever had? What if Tebow ended up playing for some upstart pro league in India? And, most of all, what if there's a right-handed Tebow in some parallel universe with a mustache?"

Yeah...because their arguments/tweets totally didn't deserve my snark and cynicism.

Step 1: Sew sleeves back onto flannel shirt

I wish him well but the truth is racism support group treatments have a really low rate of success. They're predominantly white and, for whatever reason, seem to have a really hard time following the steps right.

@donovanjmcnab Will Riley Cooper be excused from Eagles team activities so he can seek counseling? What do you think? 2m

Please indicate your race below. Check all that apply:

I applaud Riley for his efforts to overcome attending a Kenny Chesney concert.

Rooting for the Phillies these days is like rooting for "The Crotch" on America's Funniest Home Videos.

"If a black person looked at that sampling of tweets and had to choose which author was the most offensive, I'll bet he'd pick Cotton."
—Riley Cooper

@CommishBullConnor You did NOTHING wrong. Those negroe's have no problem watering they're plant's but as soon as we turn the hose on them your a racist

And, worst of all:

"I'm pretty sure Jews, Gays, and Obama deserve some blame here also!"

Could he sense a spiritual tug?