The Bears will appreciate anyone calling them professional right now.

As a fan in Chicago, the ignored flyover country of MLS, I just wish the Fire were a glorified anything.

Exactly. Even a local sports radio guy here in Chicago called it the Blackhawks Invitational today.

Yep. Busted with a side piece seems most likely, which can be avoided by not sitting in the front row of a nationally televised game. Meanwhile, I keep wondering what's up with over-excited Superfan #10 behind her.

"How about covering college sports more—especially your favorite team, the Fighting Illini?"

Has to be good for Tim's self-esteem that his parents seem to enjoy our writing more than his. Nothing some expensive therapy can't fix.

Heh. Because nothing says smug (and is quite as absurd) as displaying your running prowess on your vehicle. "You know, I could run all the way to work if I wanted to, but..."

"These electrodes look like anal-probing suppositories, but you actually hold them in your hand while the church's local hired goon audits you."

Well that's one instance where he's not flopping.

He can't hire some of the '85 Bears as bodyguards? A lot of them seem to just be hanging around town trading off their almost 30-year-old accomplishment. It would also have the added bonus of cutting down on their sad attempts to express coherent thoughts publicly.

Well that's certainly a notch up on insulting the English from "Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!"

Worst catastrophic crash of a large, overly fragile mechanical object in Portland since Greg Oden.

No surgery necessary. They will just put him in aboot.

My small-town grandmother used to call it "Sodee."

People go into jury duty acting like this, and then they come out still wondering why our legal system is so fucked up.

Coming out as gay seems like a pretty drastic way for an umpire to cover up that his eyesight is so bad he mistakenly thought he was in a relationship with a woman all these years...

Isn't "homeless drifter" kind of redundant? Are there a lot of drifters out there who just do it for kicks?

The politics of the issue aside, Kenny Britt should be very familiar with that pose. From Wikipedia:

Of course, he might have gone to said deathbed that night, but what a deathbed it would have been.

FWIW, Rolling Stone posted AND REVIEWED a fake fan trailer instead of the real trailer on their Facebook page, and haven't realized it yet. Been up for a half hour and getting trolled hard.