Things closed on Sundays: 1. Chick Fil-A. 2. The NFL to guys on 4 win Northwestern teams.

I didn't realize the obligation to keep military secrets secret ended when you left the military. Not to mention their code not to seek recognition for their actions. But hey, thanks for his service, and if he wants to live the rest of his life looking over his shoulder, that's his issue.

You should see what he does to his kids when their homework is inconsistent with the ABC's.

I'd suggest he talk to the Chicago Bears next, but he doesn't seem like the guy to deliver the message that they need to stop talking and just do their jobs.

I thought the fighters had to provide their own post-match stool samples.

Ladies let this be a lesson to you. If for some insane reason you are interested in Jose, be clear what you want, and don't ask for his digits....

If they wanted to hear words of wisdom from a noted beef jerky spokesman, I would have gone with Sasquatch.

Jose? Congratulations, you're now Earth's new interstellar trade ambassador. When can you leave?

There are very few less self-aware people in the world than the Qatar World Cup group. Unfortunately, FIFA has a lot of those people.

All that's missing is the dent shaped like Liam's face.

After hearing that, I'd kind of like to see him witness some bears.

His Mama call him Clay, imma call him Dumbass.

— Busienei alleges Jeptoo received tablets and colored water from her Italian coach —

In Soviet Russia, Busch beat around you.

What's next? Distributing fake handlebar mustaches to FIFA and the organizers made from clubbed baby seal fur, and having forced child laborers twirl them for them?

We offered Rick a choice of other positions with the Cubs...

According to the complaints, one of the players got into an argument with the woman, Shareese Asparagus, 22, of West Chester...

Sick players are not a big deal for the Blues. They've had 3 Plagers on the team in the past.

So what they're saying is "I love the black man! Show me the money?"

*throws knowing glance at identical twin brother*