Tim Horton's just put the overnight shift on high alert.

Well they do have the unfortunate use of lots and lots of ink in common...

Winter Olympics is Coming.

Since he now looks like Abe Vigoda, they just should've named him Fish.

.22 revolver

Looks like Ralphie Parker is still scarred from his prior icicle encounter, and has seriously upgraded his weaponry...

The Cubs just need to find a way to increase revenue with their new mascot. Perhaps a local sponsorship deal?

Needs a little dumpster fire icon to commemorate their season so far.

Something the writers will probably ban players from the Hall for using if they think they did.

This story says he also allegedly threatened to bomb Busch Stadium.

As a Deadspin correspondent who witnessed this horrible debacle from the stands, I can say it was a terrible sight these eyes never wish to see again, and no punishment is too severe for the persons involved.

Ronnie Woo Woo = Still terrifying by comparison.

Much like the plot of a Stephen King thriller, apparently only not winning the World Series wards off his return...

That was Chuck Berry. Mr. Checker's lawyers will be in touch...

In typical CONCACAF fashion, Landon Donovan was red carded after successfully fighting off the Costa Rican rape squad in the above picture.

He is now after the whole Katy Perry thing.

Reminds me of something the fella once said to Dean Martin...

In the new employees' defense, they are just doing jobs that no one else wants to do — working for a really crappy soccer team.

Worst mishap resulting from a backwards sled since The Bumble ate Yukon Cornelius on the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer blooper reel.

For some reason, '85 Bear Steve "Mongo" McMichael ran for mayor last year of a fairly large Chicago suburb. He lost handily, perhaps because being nicknamed by your teammates after the fucking stupid guy among stupid guys in Blazing Saddles doesn't qualify one for high political office. Then again, perhaps it does...