This is the Twitter equivalent of hitting a hard 18 in Blackjack, pulling a 3, and then telling everyone else at the table it was statistically the right move because you got 21.

Yeah, Zeus is an asshole. I’m surprised there aren’t more hedge funds named after him.

Yet Curt Schilling gets fired for giving a history and math lesson at the same time.

vanilla offense

“Pack your things and get out, you son of a bitch!”

Note: The first published version of this article mistakenly referred to Friday’s election as “tomorrow.” Because until just this moment, I thought today was Thursday. It’s only Tuesday. Fuck.

Probably? Let’s be honest, Molotov and Dr. Girlfriend scenes alone would make it appointment viewing.

That part was entirely prosthetic adhesive. I had to really anchor it down there to give some lift because they are not actually that perky.

You just became the school kid that reminds the teacher theres a quiz on the day you aren’t ready haha

Cruz ‘me too’ed Trump and proverbially sucked his dick until his poll numbers got out of the single digits.

Jesus: “Did you guys even read the stuff I said? Do unto others. Don’t try to be stupendously wealthy. Give to the meek and the poor and the downtrodden. Don’t turn church into a gilded lie. It’s almost as if you did read the bible, and are actively campaigning to do the exact opposite.”

Asked for comment, Jesus Christ was quoted as saying, "Leave me out of this, fellas. I'm voting Democrat."

Went back and re-read that trade: the thunder turned down a 26 year old Tyson Chandler for an old Joe Smith, a useless Chris Wilcox and someone that sounds like a NBA live generated player. I think Chandler could have had his foot amputated, I still might’ve pulled the trigger.

Donatas Motiejunas: failed physical.

Odds that if something like this were to happen, it would of necessity involve the Sixers: 100,000,000,000%.

AB, these political eulogies are fan-fucking-tastic.

Now that’s funny.

i was hoping he’d make it to the general because I am convinced he was laundering coke money during the 80s and I want to find out more...

The b-2 is impressive but the best I’ve seen was better....