This is the Twitter equivalent of hitting a hard 18 in Blackjack, pulling a 3, and then telling everyone else at the table it was statistically the right move because you got 21.

Yeah, Zeus is an asshole. I’m surprised there aren’t more hedge funds named after him.

“Yeah. But how’s it taste?”
“Meh, it varies from person to person”

Too pig to mail.

Too big to bale

Yet Curt Schilling gets fired for giving a history and math lesson at the same time.

vanilla offense

Sounds like you should be shelling out for a sexy new AC unit. I bet everyone is judging you for your fat, boxy AC. So gross.

“Pack your things and get out, you son of a bitch!”

Note: The first published version of this article mistakenly referred to Friday’s election as “tomorrow.” Because until just this moment, I thought today was Thursday. It’s only Tuesday. Fuck.

Probably? Let’s be honest, Molotov and Dr. Girlfriend scenes alone would make it appointment viewing.

That part was entirely prosthetic adhesive. I had to really anchor it down there to give some lift because they are not actually that perky.

I thought they had this in The Prince of Egypt, albeit shown only in silhouettes.

You just became the school kid that reminds the teacher theres a quiz on the day you aren’t ready haha

Cruz ‘me too’ed Trump and proverbially sucked his dick until his poll numbers got out of the single digits.

Jesus: “Did you guys even read the stuff I said? Do unto others. Don’t try to be stupendously wealthy. Give to the meek and the poor and the downtrodden. Don’t turn church into a gilded lie. It’s almost as if you did read the bible, and are actively campaigning to do the exact opposite.”

Asked for comment, Jesus Christ was quoted as saying, "Leave me out of this, fellas. I'm voting Democrat."

Donatas Motiejunas: failed physical.

Odds that if something like this were to happen, it would of necessity involve the Sixers: 100,000,000,000%.