"Did I remember to unlock Martin from the radiator?"

"Shh. Just relax. Sit back and watch me mispronounce 'penguins.'"

If Martha is the matriarch and Goop is the overachieving daughter, Preserve must be the stoner sister that lives in the basement and can't seem to find her way in life.

Just throwing it out there but the return of Bethenny to RHONY is the best thing I've ever heard of.

If she's suing for the funds it will take to relocate her family and keep them afloat until new jobs are found, I'll allow it. That seems like an expense that is necessary for this child's well-being that would not have been necessary but for the mixup. If she's suing for emotional distress, she can get bent.

Those guards knew exactly what was going on and what was going to happen.

I'm sorry, this is just funny as heck. I'm going to do this, but shop myself in with all the awesome scientists out there. I'll bring them in to work and put them on my wall. When people say something like, "You met Neil Degrasse Tyson?!" "Never heard of him." "But, you have your picture with him right there!" …

I'm afraid I require their emergency assistance... in my pants. COPS AND KITTEHS.

LOVE IS DEAD. (Not even really joking.)

The day I see a mainstream news article writing about the natural hair movement and focusing on a white woman with naturally curly hair and how she made it acceptable for women to embrace their hair even though it's not straight, silky, and smooth, I am creating a rocket ship and getting the fuck out of here.

Tacos: The newest portable food trend

CLAM JUICE SHOULD NOT BE A THING.

1) You are wrong, you just won't admit it.

1) I will never be jealous of poutine.

I don't even know why I'm bringing this up because it really doesn't have anything to do with anything, but back in my hometown I was in close proximity to both a Burger King and a McDonalds. When I was really hungover I would first stop at Burger King for a bacon croissan'wich then to McDonalds because they have…

Whatever.

He seems like a real keeper! I don't have any readable tattoos, but I'm sure I can balance a magazine on my back. Please send him over when you're done with him.

Or: we don't even know if it's a fetus but this fourteen year old must have known

"Possible fetus."

Translated: We're not even sure it's a fetus, but we're sure it's more important than an (almost) adult human woman.

GOOD TO KNOW.