I think I want to be married to you.

I can already play this game for the price of a bucket of balls at the driving range. Just wait for the guy to drive out with the ball collector and take aim!

In my neighborhood we have the Old Stone House. It was a part of the battleground in the Battle of Brooklyn during the American Revolution and later served as the clubhouse for the baseball team that would become the Brooklyn Dodgers.

Yes, you should always leave a tip for hotel maids. I always figure about $5 per night I’m there.

What are you talking about? Don’t you remember how in the very next episode Stannis’ camp was infiltrated by 20 men who burned all of their food stores?

Nosy people will express opinions about whether to have children, how to have children, how to raise them, how to educate them, and every other thing under the sun. This has always been true and will always be true.

I find this hilarious because I give people basically this advice all the time.

One of these talking robots? No. With a talking robot? Fuck and yes.

Nor can you disprove my theory that she is an agent of Satan sent to manipulate us into thinking that we’re being punished by God so that we’ll do something real dumb to get back in His good graces.

Well that’s goddamn adorable.

This is going to require an extraordinary amount of logistical planning. Do you have any idea what it would take to nail the facial in one take in zero gravity? It boggles the mind, it does.

It is NOT COOL to appropriate hobo culture like this. I expect this sort of thing from Urban Outfitters, Etsy.

But I just withdrew all this cash!

We met sometime in the summer of 2002 in Seattle. He was a raw vegan...

I almost have more contempt for this consultant than I do for the Duggars. He doesn’t need the money, has no inherent interest in the well being of this family, but chooses to do fucking damage control for molestation anyway. I hope he loses all his money in a pyramid scam.

That haircut is the hairstyle equivalent of a Jello mold.

You know what’s crazy about Joni Ernst (bear with me here)? She’s 44! Look at that hair on a 44 year old woman!

Man, people will try anything to have a cup of coffee that’s not a cup of coffee.

Are any of you guys watching the USMNT right now?

My family is Italian and the negroni has been our go-to cocktail since before I was born. Equal parts on the rocks all the way, baby.