Just yesterday morning the shark was in the waters I’ve spent my summers swimming in all my life. Like, right up the street from my mom’s house. So weird to think about.

You can also track her right here. You can track a shark all over the world! What a time to be alive, people!

I don’t know who a lot of these people are because I’ve been following Crystal Bowersox on tour for the last 5 years.

Sandra Lee aside, drink mixes are dumb and make a worse drink than you would have made otherwise. A margarita has three ingredients. Three! Mix them yourself!

They have enough money to build wherever they’d like, so how about literally anywhere that’s not essentially the middle of a swamp? Maybe by the beach? Just spitballing here.

There are so many things to puzzle at with this house, but the one I really can’t wrap my head around is that they chose to build the damn thing in central Florida.

It’s clever how they didn’t have him hurting her on purpose. Very, very slick.

Now there’s a man who’ll take his penis out on the subway.

Reality TV?

What the fuck is her sales pitch for why she should be President? She’s only known for one thing, and that thing is managing to climb the corporate ladder right up to the level where she failed miserably in a way that negatively impacted the lives of hundreds of thousands of people.*

Improbably, I came to say almost exactly that.

I think the real story here is that she ordered a small pizza to share between like 4 people.

Yeah, who the fuck did those jurors think they were to just go around determining fault like that?

I’m pretty sure it does give you the right to antagonize people. This is not to say that you should exercise that right, but you’ve got it.

I will hold a thousand exhibits in solidarity with the Charlie Hebdo editorial staff.

Oh my God do you think by the time I die it’ll be possible to have a gravestone that displays currently trending topics on Twitter?

I knew all about these teen tricks because I USED TO BE A TEEN.

I need details, Barry. Specifically, which bar I need to avoid.

It’s very simple. Nobody on the Democratic side wants to declare because none of them can beat Hillary Clinton and they know it. The POTUS is a black man and the nominee will be a woman. Sounds like they’re doing a pretty good job of getting women and minorities in office to me.

Just did some research and her hair definitely looks like a butt.