I can only weep for the hours she must have wasted writing and editing these thoughts. Does she keep a mirror on around to gaze at her navel 24/7?

Years ago I had a VW Golf. It had an alarm system that stopped working, so I took it into the dealer because it was under warranty. When they gave me the car back, the horn didn't work anymore.

Right? It’s a simple and honest (at least honest-sounding) answer that would serve very well, but these dummies just don’t use it for some reason.

There’s nothing more glaring in an interview than when the subject gets defensive and obfuscates because they know that answering a simple question truthfully will make them look bad. This is going to be good.

Rand, it’s not editorializing to factually describe two disparate statements made by the same person and then state that they are different. Just shut up and pray that nobody points out the hair.

There must be some racists in the atmosphere.

I guess there’s the evenly toned golden brown color of the bread, the edges of which are being gently caressed by soft fingers...the way the slices are gently parting to revea - um, I have to go now and do a thing at a place.

There is not nearly enough cheese in that stock photo sandwich, damnit. Is that some kind of janky one-slice grilled cheese?

They are exactly what I imagine the cunt punt sorority girl letter-writer looks like. Exactly.

Elton Brand’s career earnings to date? $165,338,631. Probably should have gotten that degree, though.

After watching Wrigley Field turn into a piss-soaked hellscape on opening night

On the inside of the case you can see the email she’s reading. It’s a prospectus from Susan McDougal about a real estate investment opportunity.

He’s still rolling with the same hair as the high school kids on Two-A-Days, so these hats make sense.

This is the first Regressing article that I was able to understand all the way through. It's an Opening Day miracle!

I know that 2 of our 3 big NYC airports already made the top ten, but surely JFK has to be one of the 20 worst airports in the world. For its existence at the confluence of the Belt Parkway and the Van Wyck, if nothing else.

I heard he was actually fired for suggesting that Darius Rucker was really a 20 plus handicapper who extensively employed a foot wedge.

I think it’s one of those things they’re supposed to do if they have suspicions as opposed to being the rule with every patient.

There are lots of ways to pass the time, but there is only one SEX!!!!!*

Game 7 of the 2006 NLCS. The called third strike on Beltran that ended the game and season. I wish he swung at that pitch.*

I have no idea if any of what you said is true where you live, but if that's the case then I feel sorry for you. Bad tap water is a shitty cross to bear.