But what advice is she asking for? She’s not saying, “How do I work out a reasonable schedule, understanding that both my daughter and I are busy people but I miss her,” she’s saying, “How should I punish my daughter for not immediately replying to my calls and texts?”

The fact that she wants to cut off contact for a full month ahead of time to nastily “surprise” her daughter with a total lack of presents is weird. And, if you want to go there, manipulative.

But she does call her once a week, and they talk for 5-10 minutes. That’s the detail people seem to keep glazing over. The mom *also* expects daily phonecalls and texts. That seems invasive.

And classic triangulation — pitting children against each other.

She wrote into a national advice column for advice and judgment. If she didn’t want advice and judgment, she could have kept this within her circle of friends.

Is the kid being rude, though? They talk once a week, but she can’t leave a lecture hall midway through because the mom has called at random in the middle of a weekday, or texted her an emoji.

Equally, you’re projecting quite a bit by defending the mom and taking her account as fact. Consider that a lot of what you’re saying is hurtful and triggering for children who’ve dealt with manipulative parents, and then dealt with the pain of not being believed because children ought to “serve” their parents.

Sure. So why isn’t any part of this letter about her asking how to set reasonable boundaries or schedules? She is instead saying, “How can we make it so that my daughter thinks only of me and my needs?” That’s telling.

I think it was particularly telling that the mother wrapped it up by saying, “I don’t know how to be the parent.” Sounds to me like that’s been the whole problem all along.

One of the biggest flags, to me, is the fact that the mom doesn’t suggest any kind of schedule or boundary in terms of contact. That’s the biggest indication that she’s probably a narcissist or controlling.

Here’s the difference: The mother is a mother, and has been an adult for much longer.

It’s ambiguous. She admits to calling several times per week but then states that at least once a week they have a quick conversation.

She said specifically they talk for 5-10 minutes. Those aren’t voice mails.

Believe me — it sounds very much like this woman is manipulating her daughter with guilt and money.

Yep. By the mom’s own admission they talk weekly. The fact that that’s not enough is a little odd.

Interestingly, though, if you read between the lines, it sounds like she calls and speaks to her daughter at least once a week. How often is enough when it’s your first ever semester in university, you’re an adult, you have new friends, a new environment, and a huge workload?

I’m sorry for your loss, but happy for you that you had a great mother.

May I recommend r/raisedbynarcissists? There is some massive boundary violation going on here.

In a healthy relationship, a lot of your points would be true. But the woman in this article carries a lot of narcissistic red flags.

Yep.