Numbs more than the mind...

It works out to a whopping ten minutes of sex a day. Her only real accomplishment is variety.

What do those graphs even display? What are the axes? Why are the data non-linear? Why do you need a graph to display 10,000 x 5.4/60? Sorry to be grouchy, but I've been getting reamed by my advisor along those lines all day long. #gradstudentlife

I don't believe her.

The best face I've ever seen anyone make is the one my Catholic father made when I finally screamed "I DONT BELIEVE IN GOD". Trust me, it's soooo worth it.

This is by no means a horror story, but I am currently alone on Thanksgiving because I have scarlet fever. I've never been so sick in my life. My family lives 5 minutes away but I'm not going to go because I am sea-sick nauseous and look like I rolled in poison ivy. I haven't eaten for days and I have watched EVERY…

Please tell me more tales of your charismatic fine ass family.

The pitbull owner has no intention of paying for your dogs medical bills. Make the complaint to animal control and make a claim on his homeowners insurance. If he doesn't have any, take him to small claims court. When you win you can put a lean on his property.

This is not so much a horror story, more just me being a type-A nightmare that requires at a minimum not everyone around me to be a fucking incompetent dipshit. but I digress.

Do they still sell universal building sets? That is the only thing I am interested in from this entire article, I have four kids and I refuse to buy those tiny sets with limited variation in building. I have not scoured the shopping isles, but I have never seen a universal building set.

Any Ayn Rand books on his bookshelf, liking Dave Matthews Band, dirty dishes in his sink, and considering Infinite Jest his favorite novel (no one actually reads a book that has that many footnotes).

"I'm not perfect, but at 42 years old I can say that I've never even been drunk. I've never smoked or done any drugs. I'm as pure as pure can be."

I always thought it was called "assne".

Even in the buttne illustration, there just has to be a thigh gap.

This is the entire reason Facebook was created. Fortify yourself with alcohol, search stealthily, and report back.

Gurl. Do we have to tell you to dump a sister fucker?

So, like, no one has a problem with his rhyming "Janay Rice" with "Ray Rice"?

Uh, just a heads up to all you protective best men out trying to "look out" for your brobros, you might never really know what kind of relationship the married couple in question has. Even the most vanilla seeming people have arrangements.

Suddenly blowing your dealer counts as cheating?

No, because she looked totally fine! SHE WAS EVEN LAUGHING AT THE JOKES IN THE PLAY. Who does that?!