If you've never had a moment of really hating gravity, you've never lived.

If a former employee leaves you to work in the unhappiest city, that probably doesn't say much for you.

Great udders.

Surely you saw him during his European Vacation.

Fucking chemtrails!

Or to go buy war bonds. Also a viable option.

Nothing has an inherent meaning, so you could really say the same thing about mourners at a funeral or the mother crying upon learning that her child has incurable cancer.

I think it's great that this sorority is doing its best to overcome the stereotypes of such organizations being image-driven and materialistic.

Destroyed with the quickness.

I read the book of Job once. I was still unemployed weeks later.

Riding a school bus is something like hell, so...

This tweet can only mean one thing: Ted Lasso will be joining the staff at Michigan.

God help the buffet at the Sizzler today.

The cat I had as a kid was declawed (ugh). The thing is, she in turn became very adept with her back feet and fucked me up quite efficiently with those whenever I was being a habitual line-stepper.

I'm sure you could still do a lot of things even if we cut off your fingers. Feel free to volunteer.

Good. Only creatures as vile as human beings could think of such a procedure. Team Cat (and pig).

Dickheads like this are why I'm going to try to keep my car running for at least 500,000 miles...maybe 600,000.

Because victim shaming and blaming is always fashionable.

They often have to change their numbers when their phones have been taken as part of a rape investigation.

Ain't no thang. ;)