I call bullshit. Next week "Danny" will be sending in the story about how, back in the day, his dad and his classmates at a "School for Gifted Youngsters" went on a roadtrip to the '62 World Series and wound up intertwined in the Cuban Missile Crisis.

Tommy, a hint - it's not a "hookup failure" if neither girl ever had any intention of hooking up with you. It's just an asshole being delusional.

I am shocked, shocked, that a kid whose father thought it was a good idea to home school him and turn him over to Marv Marinovich for intense quarterback-training is having a hard time adjusting once he moves away from home. But he was so well-prepared for the real world!

Good People: Barry Bonds

This may also mark the first time in H.W.'s 86 years on earth that he has uttered the phrase "dot-com."

"'Mom, what's that?' What do you tell a child when you haven't talked to them about sex yet?"

"At no time was I ever attacked by a bear, let alone encountered one."

What a coincidence — Maurice Clarett is currently attending a five-year correctional seminar in Tampa.

I challenge your premise? Who hates Dirk? You might as well be asking why it is that so many people hate furry kittens and ponies.

Not the first time that a little head has caused problems for Charles while driving.

I was all set to make a joke about this line, first did a quick search for the word "penises" to make sure no one else beat me to it, and saw this brilliance. I can't compete.

The "Friendly Neighborhood Cop's" email calls to mind a Louis CK routine, about a girl who kept saying no because she wanted him to "just go for it."

Yet you missed his sarcasm.

Really, any Old South Date that doesn't end with a guy getting pushed under water in a boiling cauldron with a pitchfork is a good one.

They all look alike, anyway.

But tell me, is Batman really any less deserving of his superhero status than Spiderman, who was just some asshole kid who happened to get bitten by a cool spider (in the movie, at least. I'm well aware his origin story is different in the comic)?

Literally every time I try to facebook stalk a random girl I had a crush on in camp or high school, I have a moment of panic that I'm accidentally typing her name in my status update, and my wife and every acquaintance will know that I have the hots for Jenna Blumenthal. I appreciate the validation that my fears…

And when the Michigan player told the fan to "tell me how my ass taste," a human centipede was born.

So Coach K's response to charges that Duke only recruits from private schools and ignores less fortunate, inner-city African American athletes is that he did recruit the one member of the Fab 5 that was well-off and went to an elite private school?

To get into the proper frame of mind for the scene in which his limb grew to an enormous length whilst two aliens grabbed hold around his waist, MJ reminisced about his typical evenings during the Birmingham Barons' road trips to border towns.