99% of Egyptian women have experienced sexual violence/assault in their lives. But "...such vile behavior was not characteristic of the Egyptian people." There's a disconnect somewhere, and I think it's in this dudes fuckin' head.

They'll only be hiring female pilots for the same reason, I assume.

I find being ugly and mean lets me avoid talking to co-workers. I consider this a massive win.

He signed it into law surrounded by middle-aged white men. These guys really like to stick to tradition.

There's some Nightmare on Elm Street Johnny Depp shit going on with that bed. Which must mean that this kitten has a long and dazzling career ahead of him.

Wish Danny Trejo had popped up when I was dating. He would have done me a world of good!

Pretty smart of Wal-Mart to try to keep their factory upgrades as cheap as possible - b/c that worked out SO WELL before.

There's a pretty infamous story like this involving my sisters when they were both in elementary school. During lunch one day, my middle sister was being teased by a mean girl at her table. My oldest sister, (who picked on my middle sister RELENTLESSLY, I should add,) could NOT abide this behavior. She walked over to…

There's also the lovely variation: "We already have one"

There was a kid in elementary school that would NOT. STOP. He kept teasing me on the playground, and I finally told him, "If you don't stop, I'm gonna throw this [a giant chunk of ice] at you." As expected, the little shit did not shut his damn mouth, so I went right ahead and threw the ice chunk at him, which nailed…

Except when a woman does rise to the top, GOP members call her a terrorist and a whore and tell her to sit down.

I hadn't gotten to the last paragraph and was already thinking, "That must've been hard to hand her a congratulatory ice cream and also tell her that hitting is wrong all at the same time!"

Let me tell you about a fable about the scorpion and the frog.

Sometimes you just gotta lay a motherfucker out.

Ah yes, the mythical perfect child. They happen! Just ask my mother-in-law...

Boundaries, motherfucker: that kid learned them. A friend of mine got called in to his daughter's preschool recently to watch security footage of an "altercation" between her and a little boy in her class. He said on the tape, some kid kept pulling his daughter's hair, and after she pushed him away several times, she…

It's a trick! They just want a better angle to protect our vaginas.

My favorite Chet tweet to date is

I was at the cupcake store the other day and witnessed a super-human level of mom control. A mother was picking out a set of cupcakes with her two young daughters, and as they were about to pay at the counter, one of the girls promptly began temper-tantruming all over the place because she didn't get the cupcake she…

Of course pronouns and gender matter in this case. If the person being cheated on is a woman, she should just keep quiet and be glad when her husband comes home to her. If it's a man, he should kick that tart to the curb.