What kind of monster replaces his hand with a football?

I'm sorry.

Stupid GIF won't work. I'm just getting a bunch of random images playing in the background, but the picture of Ellen isn't changing. Er, no wait. It's just a static image of Bill Simmons I mean.

Bullshit! If you've read a Simmons column, you know he is completely oblivious to the concept of scissors.

This is art.

My birthday is on Halloween and I can heartily endorse having your birthday on Halloween. The entire world is throwing a party. You go to school for the costume parade and you get to wear the birthday crown. Do you know what that makes you? The KING OF HALLOWEEN! Everyone gets candy but you get candy and presents.…

This was me letting the FIOS guy in last month

This is so typical of big time sports. A marginal player who is expendable (in the sense the team can probably get on without him) commits a transgression. The team uses it as an opportunity to pontificate about how character matters to them and that this is proof of that. Then, a star player gets busted they then…

Ron Gardenhire draws ire, becomes 'Gardenfired' after Minnesota Twins' dire dumpsterfire; no word on next hire.

Get a job

Before anyone ever cared who's head I would cover, I was just pate skin from Northeast Ohio. It's where I was covered. It's where I furrowed. It's where I burgeoned. It's where I was combed. It holds a special place in my follicles. People there have seen me grow up. I sometimes feel like I'm their bald spot. Their…

The Vikings could always pull a switcharoo, which Adrian Peterson believes to be beating the hell out of a wallaby.

Hardwick's story is great. He walked on as a junior at Purdue the year after Brees lead them to the Rose Bowl. He hadn't played football since 9th grade. He told the defensive line coaches he played linebacker and told the linebacker coaches he played defensive line to cover for the fact he knew little about…