You look like the swingingest acapella group ever. Sing me a song about those Lazy crazy days of summer!

I can't help but see this as a shameful grab for extra presents.

Sounds more like one of those "invite the entire class" birthday parties, rather than a party for friends of the birthday boy. I think the point of them is to make sure nobody feels left out, while netting the most birthday presents possible for the kid.

What is that backdrop made out of? Pieces of Cosby sweater?

The one with the hidden pool in the high school that had some monster in it that would drown people, and you couldn't see it but you could smell chlorine or something when it was around? Freaking spooky as hell, and honestly? Better than Jaws at keeping me out of the water for silly reasons.

That theme song actually gave me nightmares. There is just something about an abandoned swingset in the middle of the night that chills my soul.

If you work in retail or service long enough, you get a sixth sense about what is and is not worth making a fuss about. It's the saddest superpower ever.

I get that kind of hungry where you start getting really mad, "hangry" the kids call it? How do you think customer service is going to go if I haven't eaten since breakfast and I am suddenly called in to deal with an unreasonable customer? I might maul that customer, and then nobody is ever going to want to shop there…

He's the kind of drunk driver who would get into an accident and kill somebody else, and walk away with maybe some whiplash. It's like a douchebag superpower.

Honestly, by the time you make it to Canada we will already have become exactly like America as far as treating retail and service workers goes. As we speak, I'm sure the HOs of all the chain stores are looking for loopholes that will allow them to fire people whenever they want just like in the States. My boss is…

Or you are squinting at everybody and everything. The Mr. Magoo look is hard to pull off.

I need to clean my bathroom, it's so gross and obviously not clean, but I live alone, so who else is going to see it? Just me, and it turns out that I can let that place go for a really long time before I feel that it's just too disgusting to exist in its current state. I spray the shower out with tilex after I use…

I love this dress. I wonder what the front of it looks like.

Crock pots are awesome! Who would not love that gift unless you already had a crock pot? You know what? There have been times when I could have used two, so it's still a great gift.

"This celebrity is a crazy bitch, plus look at how cellulite-y her bum is! And she is out in public without makeup! BABY BUMP!!!!" every National Enquirer front cover ever. I miss the magazine that was about two-headed half-alien babies, and famous politicians who are literally Satan in a cheap suit. What happened to…

Hope he likes waking up in the morning to the smell of catbutt, and I hope he likes waking up because he is suffocating on that catbutt.

That kitten is eventually going to find out where that air is coming from, and then it will go right for the face, and that YouTube video will be a lot less squee.

I still sometimes picture a portly man with a monocle, a fancy suit, and a top hat when I think about rich old white guys. I mean, the term "fat cat" had to come from somewhere right? Like besides from actual fat cats. That guy from Monopoly, he's a little chubby isn't he? Of course he's a dude, so I guess that's…

Va-va voom! That dress looks sparkly. I don't think I'm going to look that good at 60.

I love talking about my dog! I usually don't like talking to people I don't know, but if someone wants to say hello to my dog and ask me about her, I will cheerfully tell you everything you need to know about terriers, some of the best little dogs there are.