I am questioning the legitimacy of yours right now. You must be from some strange, obscure breakaway sect of Judaism to eat your bagels in such a blasphemous manner.

I think this:

This Jew eats them closed.

What is going on. I am so confused.

This is the second time I've had to use an emotional Cyberman gif today. (First was the "I Am Loveworthy" story.)

NO. Freshly baked bread is great just as it is!

When my mom bids on ebay she makes an effort to include three sixes in her bid. Like, $6.66 or $16.66. She says it's good luck for her.

No.

YOU'D BETTER SHOW UP AT MY GODDAMN FUNERAL.

I'M DYING. OH MY GOD.

Very fillings.

I... edible diamonds? Wat? How? You need to do a follow-up investigation on this.

Why thank you!

It never stops being funny.

The word "crusty" was already gross to me, but after the Crusty Dildo Saga of '13? It's now the absolute worst.

Me when I read "Lamb Fries:"

The name "ChupaChups" makes me laugh every time I hear or read it.

THAT IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST. I have a theory that Milk Duds are actually bad Whoppers. (I don't like Milk Duds.)