"SportsFella's Sloppy Seconds" — coming to a town near you!

Nice try, but they still won't let him in the All-American Basketball Alliance.

I'll take a "Turd Ferguson" jersey. It's a funny name.

EA Sports' "Charity Softball '11" has its cover athlete!

If only he could've done it as a toddler, set to annoying music.

THROW THE BALL, WILL!

Pirates fans, on the other, have succumbed to the Stockholm Syndrome and love our AAAA club.

This is EXACTLY why you don't lend Lou Dobbs your BlackBerry.

And the search for the elusive "five-tool fetus" continues.

They cut his mic when he suggested that Johnson would be able to reach around the opposing batting order at least three times.

Next up, doctors will attempt to prove that there is, in fact, a little Captain in him.

Does this kid have the password to Mike Bacsik's Twitter account, by any chance?

@Gamboa Constrictor: If they used the 1812 Overture, his man-boobs could bounce in time with the cannon fire.

If only it had ended with a funny email from Sarah Silverman.

I'm getting a Brett Myers vibe off this rumor.

@MikeRichterControlsTheUniverse: No, that's the Vatican you're thinking of.

I need #9 with the Roger Ebert voice pack.

@Doug Dascenzo's Only Fan: Made my day there. Well played.

Karma's a bitch... Zoubkov crashed his sled in the 2nd run of the four-man heats. Needless to say, I grinned broadly and clapped for three or four seconds, then pretended I was concerned.

"You can learn all of this and more at the Robin Ventura School for Fighting Old Dudes."