I cannot claim this thought as my own; a friend of mine suggested that Yoko Ono can hear John Lennon on the other side and is trying to guide him back to the living but her only mode of communicating directions to him is through twitter

That’s not really a meal, Jerry. I mean, if he had gotten Chicken Gumbo, Matzo Ball, Vegetable Barley, then I would agree with you. Those are very hearty soups...

I make this amazing tortilla soup and I save up all my chicken bones in the freezer to make broth for it. Some asshole was all like “it’s good because it’s bone broth,” and I’m like, all broth is bone broth, fucker, and it’s good because 1) I made it and 2) it’s soup, so shut up and eat your soup.

A senile old lady on acid?

That Kylie story made me a little teary eyed. I remember when I was 18 and my first the first significant other gave me a Ferrari. As you grow older, getting Ferraris from your partner becomes so common place that I think we forget the rush and thrill of that first time.

The Supreme Court of the United States declared abortion to be a constitutional right 40 years ago. MOVE THE FUCK ON. If you’re against abortions, don’t get one.

LIVES OF THE UNBORN

A single long range strike plane for the military costs approximately half a billion dollars. Professional football stadiums (all taxpayer funded) are now topping out around a billion dollars. But these douche nozzles are whining about improving the lives and health of millions of women for the same cost.

I ride my bicycle to work and feel like a goddamn genius combining morning exercise with transportation. I am SO not a morning person, and biking actually lets me sleep in a little bit more instead of having to wake up earlier to exercise. It might be the best thing in the world.

How to start your day like Mocena:

I can no longer tolerate the besmirching of Fran Fine’s reputation. Mr. Sheffield was VERY single and it is incredible he resisted the dulcet tones of Flushing’s Songbird for that many seasons.

This is not “new”. It’s from 2013.

Speaking of butt stuff, I am absolutely sure that when Meatloaf sings he will do anything for love, but he won’t do that, “that” means “butt stuff”.

Ben, I think I speak for all of Red Sox Nation.

“If an embryo is “not a person, what is it? Because if you left it alone, that’s the only thing it can become,” he said. “It can’t develop into a pony!”

I feel like cookie dough is objectively more delicious than cookies. I don’t even feel like this statement is an opinion. Like, cookies are weird and dumb and frequently gross, crumbly pieces of shit (and even at best, they’re just tolerable), while cookie dough is an extension of the joy of the universe.

What’s next, PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE ABLE TO MARRY DOGS?